VERY brief summary of my previous post. 
I (30F) started dating Mark (35M) when I was 13 and he was 18.
We got married and had my son Evan (10M), when I was 20. We divorced at 25 due to abuse and his mom constantly interfering. (For those wondering Mark fractured my skull and broke my arm amongst many things)

After the divorce, Mark’s dad, Steve (56M) stayed close to help with his grandson. One night i was quite drunk and him and I were talking about how lonely we were (he and his wife haven’t shared a bedroom in years), we slept together. It didn’t stop and I got pregnant.

Now my ex’s dad is my son’s father. My younger son, Liam (5M), is both Evan’s brother and uncle.

UPDATE:
Its five in the morning and I haven’t slept yet. I’ve been an emotional wreck and I feel like my entire world i knew wasn’t real. I went to my therapist, finally confessed that Steve is Liam’s dad and we covered a few main things:

1: I guess I’m not as good of a liar as I thought I was because my therapist had been waiting for me to feel comfortable to tell her Steve was the father of my child. But she broke down our relationship for me and why I feel so tethered to Steve and like he holds a piece of me. She explained that when I was 13 dating an 18 year old it taught me to associate romantic or sexual partners with people who had power over me. After the divorce, Steve filled that same role. He was kind, gentle, safe. He didn’t hit me or yell at me like Mark did. That made me more vulnerable to any advances he’d try to make, and as drunk as I was that night, it was easy to give in. Whatever we’ve had feels like love and my brain has decided that love means surrender. It made it easy for me to fall into the dynamic Steve created, especially with BDSM. He was older, wiser, comforting and I believed he knew what was best for me.

2: Liam’s too young to understand what it means that grandpa is his dad. In the developmental stage that he’s in, it’s not very necessary for me to disclose to him who his actual father is and I can tell him something along the lines of “some little boys and girls don’t have daddies and that’s ok. Just like some people have two mommies, some have two daddies, some only have one mommy, some only have one daddy”

So yes, I was wrong for the decisions I made and shouldn’t have continued to make them. Steve and I created a really shitty situation for my children that is only snowballing now. They didn’t ask for any of this. I can only work with the present and work to better, unfortunately as I can’t undo the past. I just want to be the best mom I can be to my boys. 

We concluded the session with me making the decision to leave. I’m going to run away with my boys and live the best lives we can possibly live given the circumstances. She told me to let her know where I decide to go and she’d give me some referrals to an individual therapist, a family therapist and a child psychologist for both of the boys when I finally tell them who Liam’s dad is. 

I’ll update on the conversation I had with Steve later. I’m so drained right now. I don’t feel ok and my heart hurts. I feel rage at the adults I had in my childhood. I wish someone had told 8th grade me that dating a grown man wasn’t romantic and that it was grooming. We weren’t a cute couple. But nobody said anything. Nobody cared to. I feel embarrassed that I’m now realizing at 30 that I was groomed. I feel regret for ever being with a married man, let alone my exes father. I feel guilt for lying to everyone. I feel so many things and I don’t know what to do with them. I ran 3 miles on my treadmill at midnight. Wrote 6 pages in my journal. Tried listening to uplifting music. Nothing is helping. All these therapy coping skills feel like bullshit. But I’ve got to pull myself together for my babies. Mommy is their superhero and superheroes don’t lose it. 

UPDATE: Having my second son with my first son’s grandpa