Help with understanding

Hi everyone,

I wrote here about 6 months ago now, as I couldn't sleep agonising over how my husband might die and how to advocate for him. I got great helpful replies but I lost them, as I got locked out of my account and had to open a new account so I'm going to apologise for probably repeating myself. I am in a total mess again and wish I had screenshot everyones advice and help.

My husband and I finally had a brief hospice chat yesterday. He okayed me finding out about hospice, for better palliative care now than he ever gets via our public health system (theyve been very very bad) and for when the time comes which will probably be the next 6 to 12 months. He has terminal colon cancer, he's young and I mention this because it is an issue.

The homes won't take under 65s near me. I can't find anywhere near us that would admit him when the time comes. He has expressed wishes to be in residential care and I'm comforted by that, because our home wouldn't fit a hospital bed in it and it would be hard for many reasons.

But I suspect we will be forced to do home hospice or die with a bowel blockage in the waiting room of a&e waiting room because of the lack of hospice beds and for some reason, nobody taking in under 65s.

This leaves me totally bereft. Have barely any friends left, my family live abroad and I'm in a doom spiral about how I can make it more certain that my husband will have a peaceful death. He has never been operable, he has colon and peritoneal mets and I can't tell you how terrified I am that he will die in agony because home hospice isn't set up to provide good enough pain relief. And if I have to be the one administering it all, what if I don't give him what he needs or give him too much? I feel the weight of responsibility on me that nobody I know understands. I need to make sure he dies well.

I go through periods when I'm unable to think about much else, if I cant advocate well enough for him to die well then I don't think I could forgive myself. He's a beautiful man, he deserves a good death.

Can anyone tell me how I could possibly ensure he gets into a residential hospice and doesn't die in agony in a waiting room in A&E because our experience with NHS A&E has been that they are content to leave him to die, and the thought of him dying in a hospital surrounded by people who treat him badly (his experience has been so bad) or dying in immense drawn out pain, at home, is damn near to destroying the time we do have left together. Thanks and sorry if this post is garbled.