I’m really struggling with porn addiction and extreme cravings, I feel like I’m losing myself

Hey everyone,

I’m 21 and I’ve been struggling with porn addiction for a long time now. I relapse almost every day. I tell myself I’m done, but the moment I get horny, I become a different person it’s like my brain shuts off and my body takes over.

Lately, it’s gotten really bad. I crave extreme stuff submissive, BDSM type things. When I’m horny, I go looking for a mistress or dominant woman. I’ve even reached out to a few before, but when they ask for payment, part of me doesn’t want to go through with it. I don’t want to spend money on it or live that kind of life. But another part of me wants it so bad and thinks it would be amazing.

One time I even bought toys and experimented with it. It felt good in the moment, but after I relapsed I felt disgusted and ashamed of myself like, “what am I doing?” But the next day I was back at it again. It’s like there are two people inside me the one who wants to change and the one who just gives in.

I’m honestly scared because I don’t want this to define me. I want to be normal again to have regular sex with a woman, to actually enjoy real intimacy without all these extreme thoughts or cravings in my head. If I ever get married, I wouldn’t want my wife dominating me or doing any of this. I just want to feel in control and live a normal, peaceful life again.

I feel ashamed even writing this, but I need help. I can’t keep relapsing and pretending it’s fine. Has anyone here dealt with something this deep? How did you get out of it? What actually helped you reset and get back to normal attraction and control?

I really need advice or any kind of guidance.

Thanks for reading, it took a lot to post this.