i am intentionally denying myself hrt

i don't know why, seriously. i NEED it but i don't WANT it. i can't relate to trans men who are happy to start hrt. i hate being trans and deep down i think doing hrt would make me more trans (i don't agree with that when it comes to other people) so i should avoid it at all costs. i also feel like i don't deserve it and that i'm not masculine enough. i also don't want to unintentionally disturb the people i love, who would probably feel uncomfortable. so i'll continue to be a man who looks like a woman until i kill myself one day. this is my decision and for now i'm not ready to change my mind. sorry for venting, i just wanted to know if anyone else feels this way or is experiencing this.