I can't accept this. It's surreal.

Mum's best friend of 30+ years was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 7 months ago. Came out of nowhere. She had some ailments and had scans and saw specialists, but they all said she was fine. By the time they found the cancer, it was too late. The mass was huge, and it also spread to her liver.

Last week she perked up a bit. It made me nervous, and I had hope she didn't have that terminal lucidity thing. Then yesterday, I went to see her in hospital because the doctors decided they were going to finally stop treatments and make her palliative. She was confused, didn't talk much, and just stared. We managed to get some smiles out of her, which was great. But I knew. I knew that that would be the last time I'd see her conscious. I went through the exact same thing with my grandma. I warned my mum to say goodbye properly, as I didn't think she'd make it into the next day.

Well, she made it through today. Except, she's unconscious. So she's right at the end now, just as I expected. It's 11:55pm, and she's been unconscious since 4pm yesterday. Today, she also had the death rattle that my grandma had. We stayed for several hours, but she's still holding on and hadn't taken her last breath.

I'm in bed now, and I've been feeling insanely ill since 11pm. I felt and feel as if she's gone. I can't sleep. I'm waiting for my Mum's phone to ring with the news.

I can't comprehend this. I literally cannot imagine her no longer existing in the physical world. I'm not coping. I'm getting migraines, I feel physically sick, I'm having nightmares... I literally don't want tomorrow to come. And the fact that I can't stop it absolutely fucking haunts me.

After the death of my grandpa, it has become very traumatic for me to even think about losing someone, let alone actually losing them. I truly don't know how on earth I'm going to get through this.