Help with my 10 year old daughter - bad attitude?

DD is my youngest - turning 10 in a week - she is feisty and sweet. She has a sister who is a freshman in high school and a big brother in college - so she’s always been deferred to as the baby (“Oh, just give it to her!”) - so a mix of these bad choices and her innate personality have come to haunt us now. My husband has a very demanding job so parenting is 95% on me. Her siblings are well adjusted and doing well in school and get along with all of us.

The issue is that she gets very easily offended - if her sister won’t move from her spot or whatever - she cries and screeches until I come running. I push back - what do you need? How can I help? - but she wants her sister to say sorry (and sister won’t). I try to appease, at a certain point, I just have to walk away until she calms herself or storms off. I can’t talk to her about her behavior - she starts with her catchphrase - “You’re being mean!” And then she cries, I try to comfort, I can’t stand it after a while and I have to move away for my own sanity, she is resentful until she forgets and we move on. There is no learning - if I try to correct her, she starts screeching,”You’re being mean!” - and the cycle starts all over again.

I am trying to Dr. Becky my way through her tantrums but to get through it, I am deadening myself inside so I can sit there and try to comfort her while growing more and more despairing.

At school pickup, I am trying to move her along but she gets offended - she likely caught an expression on my face - if I can quickly explain it’s a headache or something that has nothing to do with her, we can avoid the tantrum but I didn’t catch it and she starts “You’re being mean!” I say sorry, I am smiling because she is actually still so cute, but she screeches “You’re smiling! “, I drop the facial expression and say sorry, she says it’s mean, I say sorry again with true sincerity. After a long long discussion she finally leaves with me. She goes to play with her friends on our street and she’s happy again.

What can I do? I almost feel like I have to pull away emotionally because she only treats me like this - she loves the rest of the family but she doesn’t treat them like she does me, and honestly if being closest to her means being screamed at every time my face moves in a way that she interprets as inappropriate, I prefer to be less close. I stopped walking to school with her in the morning because these power struggles were killing me - she now walks with a neighbor her age. I can’t avoid after school pickup until she starts middle school.

Distancing myself from her is terrible but I don’t know what else to do. She has had one vicious friend breakup - I am sorry to say I can identify with that once beloved, now hated friend - no mistakes can be tolerated and now complete estrangement from this girl that was once her BFF. Otherwise, she is loved by her teachers and classmates. She has lots of friends.

Ideas? Counseling is on the table but waits are long with our insurance. Thanks in advance