Everything I Didn't Say

Dude the amount of negative feedback on the internet about pwBPD is insane. Like from a general sense, I see why the majority of people will adopt that point of view to ease their own pain and feelings because they feel like they can "relate" to it. However, I hardly feel like that is any reason not to still empathize and have love and care for those who live with BPD. Its almost like there is a collective agreement that, because everyone agrees pwBPD are "bad", it's acceptable to disregard them and deny them the right to human connection and bonding.

I can't say that it is easy to experience day-to-day life as someone in direct orbit of the affect your psyche can have on the your own world and the world around you, but I can say in full honesty and ownership that I do not and will never rule it out as something to still be a part of. I dont know how to help you, and quite frankly, it is not something I should ever have believed I could do perfectly, maybe even at all. But that still doesnt make it fair for you not to have people by your side. On your side.

If its any consolation, I will tell you this: I acted in ways that triggered your BPD tenfold and thus the cycle we got into began to snowball. I wasnt fully aware of it back then, because I hadnt done all of the research and gaining of insight that I've done between then and now. Which is largely part of the apology I owe to you, and the fact that, even though I couldn't see how much I neglected to validate your reality and your feelings/emptions tied to that, it was still happening. Im sure that must have been terribly isolating for you and/or had you feeling devalued much of the time.

N***, I am immensely remorseful and abundantly sorry that I never acknowledged your truth, that I made assumptions and chose to treat your experience as if it were something to point at with a finger of blame for mine. I was subconsciously telling myself that the pain from my own past trauma being triggered to resurface through instinctual behaviors i unknowlingly learned as a child was directly related to you. But it wasnt, and it isnt reflective of any reality other than the one I originally learned those behaviors in. And that fact will never be able to excuse or undo what you went through in correlation to me. I have a feeling this is something you experienced in many of your past relationships. I remember you once telling me "I am a Scorpio after all ... I've hurt and been hurt by a number of beautiful people ... lets not go breaking hearts all over town ... you've got some catching up to do, every girl has broken a few hearts."

I wish I could unbreak your heart as it pertains to the relationship we had. I wish I could unbreak your heart as it pertains tl all of your relationships that came before me. Neither will ever be possible, and I admit that. Wishing it doesnt make it possible, which I'm sure you can relate to in some capacity. If we ever do cross paths again someday and the universe allows there to be any form of relation to one another, or perhaps another person who is similar to you sweeps me off my feet like you did (though there will never be anyone able to entirely replicate you or replace your role in my heart), I will always look back on our time together and remember what it looks like for me to neglect the unseen in others, and hopefully prevent the same aftermath. You were already going through such an emotionally taxing period in your life. Now, none of that has gone away, you are still in the midst of the same very challenging chapter you had before we met. I tried to write words of a story of us over top of it, thinking that if it was bold or real enough then the story would be rewritten entirely. I was ignorant to use black ink on black ink, for trying to write a fantasy into existence.

You and your experience in this reality deserves to be valued, acknowledged, seen, realized, and much more. You dont deserve to be alone or labeled "too hard to love". Whe love is true, when it is without any conditions and can be present through anything, no amount of perceived pain and hardship is just cause for divide. And I say that as self-advisement.

Since my understanding to and for you has deepened its roots in me, I've been given the privilege of knowing how it feels to truly hold that very kind of love for someone. Ill never hold it perfectly nor will I even come close to that, whether it's for you or anyone else. It may be a ing time before I am even able to do it well enough for someone to deserve it. Because of you, I know I am capable of loving someone else without conditions. For you, I love, always, no matter what. No condition can ever change that, even if we never find 'forever'. Until we meet again, and we will always meet again, even if it only happens in my dreams and memories now. I miss the memories we never made, but forever grateful to have you in the ones we did.

Thank you, N******* T******.

Yours, always.

Q**** L*****