i was diagnosed, and i have some thoughts

hello hello,

i don’t really know why im writing this, but i guess i have so many thoughts in my head and dont know where to turn to.

lifelong mental health sufferer here, periods of being proactive and trying to figure out ‘what’s wrong with me?’ to periods of just suffering and accepting it

i am 28, throughout my life have had various diagnoses (aspergers, bpd). after a particularly bad break up (ghost/diacard) by another bipolar person, i went to a private pricey psychiatrist just to figure it out once and for all. i thought my whole life i was just severely, incurably depressed with spells of having my shit together. she was so kind to me, and told me that i have bipolar 2 and aspects of BPD as well.

i have experienced a ton of trauma throughout my childhood and 20’s so she ruled out CPTSD first. i’m hyper self aware of myself, my triggers and how i feel but i could never fix it.

so i guess here i am, im reading through all your posts, i have the feeling of ‘i am fucked and i’m stuck like this forever’, maybe living in the unknown before was slightly easier because i didn’t know this was going to be a lifelong battle.

i’m writing here mostly because i feel alone, and alone in my thoughts. i don’t know what to do and where to go from here, i want to get better for my young daughter - it’s just me and her

im in the uk and went private for psychiatry, but will need to use public healthcare now. i’m unsure whether to be admitted to hospital or not, because i feel so stuck and i can’t get out of bed or out of my own head. i’m playing my switch as a coping mechanism. she prescribed me with some anti psychotics, ive been on a ton of SSRI’s my whole life and they never worked so i don’t think it’s as simple as taking a magic pill and it going away. CBT has never worked for me, and i cannot do group therapy i find it too embarrassing

i’m worried if i do decide to go into a psychiatric unit that it’ll make me feel worse. i went to a ‘day hospital’ full time after a attempt about 10 years ago and the whole thing was ridiculous. being in contact with severely mentally ill people that were freaking out and had little mental intelligence was even more depressing and just sent me into hypomania

thank you in advance for your kind words, i am grieving my whole life

i am not angry or violent or anything, never have been, i just feel the world too deeply and am highly sensitive