Porn addiction and sexual abuse are ruining my life

I am a man, I turned 20 and I need to leave all this behind once and for all because it is starting to ruin my life and my future, my mind is very contaminated and I can't take it anymore so I write this here, I started watching porn a long time ago when I was little, a cousin showed me and we jerked off and groped together in secret and if it sounds disgusting I know, after I grew up at 13 I continued masturbating often and I saw it as something normal. The situation began to escalate over the years when I began to get bored of typical straight porn and at 16 I watched all kinds of sick videos, transsexual videos, interracial gays, bdsm domination, even animals and aberrations that to this day disgust me and have made me hate myself because it was only in those moments of uncontrollable fever that I developed strange tastes and sometimes I touched myself and I put things up my ass just looking for pleasure, I felt that I liked it so I saw it as something normal too but I didn't know the mental damage it did to me, I bought a lubricant and sometimes I played watching videos of trans while I imagined that they penetrated me, then I felt horrible, I regretted it and sometimes I cried, when I turned 18 I had a couple of friends and I did something with them although some bad experiences and I couldn't finish the work which depressed me, I had an encounter with a trans woman who was tall and who seemed Linda, she texted me and it turned me on so in a moment of desperation I went to see her, it wasn't what I expected but she had already gone and we started drinking, I got a little drunk and she started groping me, I was a little scared and I just left myself while she undressed me and started to warm up to me, I was already sorry but she forced me and it was my first time with a Ts although it didn't last very long it hurt me and when I got home (I lived alone in those times) I ended up with anxiety disorders after that and it was difficult for me to love myself again, I was disgusted by myself, my body, my life, everything, I spent weeks crying and I distanced myself from everything a lot, I took tests and luckily I had nothing and I ended up with a psychiatrist who helped me overcome the anxiety disorders but I was not able to tell her that I had that encounter but not with a woman... they were dark moments but I could not overcome that sexual addiction that porn induced in me, rotting my mind for so many years, I felt that I needed to recover my masculinity and one day I paid a Ts scort and I completely dominated her until she asked me to stop and even without knowing what I was looking for I really just wanted to get even.

After "overcoming" that dark time I started to meet a girl with whom I spoke for a while, she was nice to me and I didn't have much experience with women, one day I fucked her and I loved it, it was something beautiful but then she started to distance herself from me, I don't know if I made her feel uncomfortable or she saw me very urgent perhaps because of the damage that my past had done to me and she felt that I only used her and she walked away from me, I felt horrible I just wanted to change because I always wanted a NORMAL life, it was so difficult for someone like me or why did he always push people away? I am somewhat introverted. At high school they bullied me, so I had problems relating to people and these two years I have been at the University, last year I started going to training to want to get out of all this and clear my mind, I felt happy and calmer and I was better for a couple of months but I still had problems controlling lust, I masturbated often and couldn't stop, after another few months I started to relapse I felt like I didn't connect with anyone and again with the problem but without getting together with anyone, just me and the damn porn, I was afraid of what I could always be capable of doing, my lust was so much in the past that I masturbated for 10 hours and more than 8 times until absolutely nothing came out, I'm ashamed of that and the guilt weighs too much on me, I thought I was better now, however sometimes I fell again jerking off with something in my ass, it hurt me too much and I'm already trying to quit but it's so difficult the mind plays against me so much and I isolate myself from the world and from everyone, being very sad, I was always someone who overthought a lot but sometimes I imagined a future with a woman who could love me and have a serious relationship and love her a lot but no one noticed me and I understand it with all my problems and that :( . It is so difficult because in person I am somewhat shy but I seem normal, I have a family and sometimes I feel uncomfortable in a crowd but I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL, I don't want to have to battle with my mind or have OCD or disorders of anxiety or depression and suddenly fake that damn smile and hurt myself physically and psychologically just because mentally I'm so weak, otherwise I wouldn't have this problem, I like real women that I love and I've seen such beautiful women and I look like damn garbage because it lowers my entire self-esteem. This, I consider myself straight and before I was an atheist but I'm thinking of becoming religious and taking more measures, I don't know, really, fucking porn has destroyed my happiness and emotional stability, even my way of seeing sex and for many years it has been tormenting that perversion, I definitely need to change :( I would really appreciate the advice ❤️‍🩹