Struggling to come to terms with the fact I may have to go sober.

A bit of background - I’m 29, almost 30 and for the longest time I was known as the party boy. Not just drinking but everything else that came with it, blacking out every single time I drank and have been in many dangerous positions. It then became the thing I turned to when I was bored not because I felt that i needed it but it was my idea of fun. I would drink at least 2/3 times a week and spirits were always my choice and of course would lead to black out - I was also on my own when doing this playing online games. I would easily sink at least 70cl of vodka each time or more.

I then decided to get sober and I met my partner during this. I was 6 months sober and felt ready to try drinking again but bad habits crept back in and I would start drinking during the week again even though my partner wasn’t. It was causing issues for us too, I think that’s when he realised I had an issue when it came to drink. The only time we ever had fallen out was because of my drinking.

This was when I decided to become sober again. This time around I made it to 8 months sober and had a new found love for all things health and fitness. This time felt different, I felt I had my priorities in check and drinking was no longer my priority. I tried drinking again but leaving it for social occasions however, when I did I would almost, always still black out and again severely piss my partner off. He has now become so anxiety ridden if we have an event when we are drinking. Luckily, because of my passion for health and fitness the times I do drink are quite rare and are usually for events like weddings etc or the odd night out. I have tried to moderate this since I was no longer sober and I have been successful less than a handful of times, usually this is when I start with beers or something with not as much alcohol content. I feel as if I am holding onto these successful moments of not blacking out to prove to myself I can moderate but the other day I was at my friends wedding and once again, BLACKED out. I remember not caring and just getting doubles and shots for myself every time I went to the bar, and this is a frequent thing. In the moment I feel as if I’m not drunk enough and need to drink more and more before it’s too late. Luckily my friends aren’t annoyed with me but yet again my partner was. I’m sure a lot of you can relate but I also can’t deal with the hanxiety - I am dreading the wedding photos and videos coming out. I get aggressive when I am black out but where in my mind I think I’m being funny and sassy, it’s not received that way. I’m now sat here wondering if I should become sober but even writing this out has made me realise I have obviously had an issue with alcohol consumption since forever even if the times I do drink are now minimal.

I have yet to make the decision as I feel scared to commit and probably need to hear someone else’s perspective…I think I know the answer but I don’t even want to announce this to my friends or partner etc as it would mean I have some accountability. It’s almost as if I am yearning to try and moderate my drinking when I do drink but I don’t listen to myself as soon as I’ve had one! Does this mean I am completely incapable of moderation? I needed to put this all somewhere. Sorry it’s so long!