Why can’t I remember the misery

I’ve been through a lot of suffering since the beginning of September where I relapsed for two weeks. Since then almost every weekend I end up in a deeper layer of hell.

My emotional state this morning was so painful that the idea of ending my life had the same urgency associated with remembering the due date of a final paper. I’m safe now physically but despite that I still can’t stomach the thought of going on. The embarrassment and guilt are overwhelming

I’m just broken. So fucking broken.