I have no reason to live

don't know who I am anymore, I dont know what I enjoy anymore, I live in constant panic, in constant confusion, I feel like a infant I need continuess affirmations in order to function properly. I don't have a schedule, I can't study I can't focus when someone isn't watching over me. I don't have a reaosn to live, I'm not special, I'm mediocre at best, I lost every change at making people enjoy my company in highschool, There's not one person in my classroom who even remotely wants to talk to me, even though I've tired everything. I was supposed to have a big friend group, I was supposed to start from the buggining and change myself but I've olny furthered my bahvor. Sometimes I get so anxious of rubbing off the wrong way that I mumble things like a idiot, things that don't even make sense, I talk to fast and no one really understands me. There's nothing special about me, there's already a girl in class with similar interests as me who's better in every sense of the word, she's top of the class, everyone wants to talk to her, she's pretty, and free and creative, I can't take it anymore, while I can't even hold one conversation without fucking something up. I hate her, I can't stand her, I'm not a bad person, but I really can't stand her even though I fundamentally understand that she has done nothing wrong. This post is really badly written, my first lenguage isn't English, I'm sorry.