Five years in, and I don’t know how much more I can take.

⚠️ TW: Mentions of domestic violence, emotional abuse, and self-harm

My husband (27M) and I (26F) have been married for five years, together for six. I don’t even know where to start. I just need to get this off my chest because I feel like I’ve told this story so many times… to therapists, to our parents… and I still feel lost.

We got engaged right before COVID and married during it. From the beginning, things were complicated. One of his exes wanted to stay close, and his family compared me to her a lot. They said things like I was too private or too sensitive, and they used to tell me they thought he’d end up with her. My husband didn’t stand up for me at first, and that left a mark I’ve never been able to forget.

The first few years were hard - we were isolated, I lost both of my grandmas, and I cried constantly. He didn’t know how to help me. The first time he really scared me was when he yelled - like, screamed - right in my face. I’d never seen that side of him. Over time, it slowly escalated. First yelling, then shaking, then shoving, and eventually holding me down when I tried to walk away. The fights would leave me completely drained. Sometimes I’d collapse from shaking and exhaustion afterward. I’ve called the cops a few times… sometimes for wellness checks when I was scared for him, and once because he wouldn’t leave me alone during a fight. It was awkward and humiliating. The officers never really helped, it just made everything feel more real and more hopeless.

When that started, I started fighting back - smacking him, pushing him away, just trying to make him stop. I hate that I became someone who hits. Over the years, he’s broken things, damaged walls and doors, and once hit me hard enough that my earring ripped through my ear. The lowest point was when he said he wanted to de and held a gn to his head.

He’s gone to anger management. I’ve done therapy and medication for anxiety. And LOTS of couples therapy. He’s calmer now in some ways, but when things do blow up, it’s still rough… and all those past memories flare up inside me.

Our last fight was because I asked for space. He was exhausted and snappy, and I just needed a minute. I closed the door, and he felt rejected, came back in, and wouldn’t leave. I begged him to just give me space, but he didn’t. I hit him, and he ended up with a black eye. I am so embarrassed.

What makes it all confusing is that there’s so much love too. He’s kind, funny, gentle with animals and kids, SUPER hardworking, and I see how deeply he wants to be better. But I also see how broken we both are. He’s been cheated on before, and I think that left him scared of losing people. I don’t know what to do or think.

Last year, I finally told both of our parents what’s been happening. My mom told me I should leave him - but in this almost condescending tone, like I was quitting something I’d promised to endure. My dad said, “it’s funny what love does,” as if this kind of pain was just part of marriage. His parents, on the other hand, seemed to shift the blame toward me. They said “everyone has demons” and that they “felt bad he was going through something so painful,” like he was the only one suffering.

We’ve been talking about having kids, but I’ve told him I can’t until I feel safe - until we both feel safe. My parents tell me everyone fights, and that people just say and do things when they’re tired or hungry. But isn’t that what happens when you’re raising kids… you’re tired all the time? If we can’t stay calm now, what happens then?

Sometimes I feel selfish for even thinking about leaving. I know my family wouldn’t understand - they’d say I’m giving up too easily, or that “love conquers all.” But sometimes I just want to disappear so I don’t have to make this decision at all.

And even if I did leave, I worry about my cats. I want them to be safe and comfortable, to stay with me. I can’t stand the thought of them being scared or confused. But I don’t even know what that would look like if it were just us on our own.

I don’t want this to fail. I love my husband. I want it to work. I’ve dreamed of a happy marriage and a family my whole life. But I also can’t keep pretending I’m not worried.