I've been a creepy, awful friend. I feel ending the friendship is the right thing to do, but she doesn't think it is.

This is gonna be a long one. Please, hold the torches and pitchforks until the very end. Before we start, I would like to point out some important details about myself.

(Also. This isn't an AI post. This isn't ragebait, or a horny post. I am a living, breathing human being, for better or for worse.)

I suffer from OCD, which causes me to struggle with blowing things out of proportion and overthinking things. So while this post might sound silly to you, idiotic even; to me, it is a great cause of distress. So please keep that in mind.

I've also struggled with hypersexuality, and an addiction to pornography for years now, and I've been trying to kick it recently. Porn is evil, and very much fucks up your perception of sex.

With that in mind, lets get started.

My friend is like... The only person I care about at this point. My family has all proven to be toxic, so she's the only person I really have that I feel safe and happy with. I will admit, I have feelings for her.

I've struggled with a lot these past few years, and I've recently realized just how absolutely terrible I've been towards her in the grand scheme of things.

In my pit of depression, I've struggled with self esteem issues. So many times, for reasons I don't really understand, I've tried to push her away. Not the same way I'm doing now, where I genuinely believe it to be the morally correct thing to do. I would literally beg her to just block me on all platforms, never visit my house again, and just find a better friend to be with.

But this isn't the MAIN thing I want to talk about. I want to talk about how I feel I've wronged her, sexually.

I've made comments and jokes towards her, hoping she would maybe play along with them. Most of these were simply said on impulse, and I would immediately regret it afterwards.

She often lounges around at home half naked, and I realized recently that this was part of my motivation for engaging in video calls with her. (Not my only motivation. I love to see her face and her smile, but still.)

There was one specific event where I was really pushy about it, asking over and over. I honestly saw it as joking around, until I later realized how fucking creepy I was being by begging.

We also occasionally shower on the phone together. But I can't help but feel like I've forced her into doing it. The first time I brought up the idea, she didn't go along with it. The second time, however, she was the one to ask. Every time since I've been the one to engage, and she consents, but still, I can't help but feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Now, this next bit is awful. Terrible, even. Be aware of that.

My friend is kinda clingy at times. We call on the phone quite often, 9+ hour calls are fairly common. She gets sad when I leave sometimes, and even requests that I stay on the phone throughout the night, because knowing I'm there with her helps her feel safe.

Now, remember that porn addiction I mentioned? Well, when you're on the phone for so long, especially overnight, it'll often cut into your time that you'd use to relieve yourself.

So, for a while, I'd just mute myself, and do my business. I didn't see much of an issue with it for a while, after all, I wasn't specifically masturbating to her not knowing. I tried to pretend she wasn't there because it made it awkward. She also was just happier overall, since I wouldn't have to hang up the phone overnight.

But now that I've been cutting back on porn, I realize that this behavior is not acceptable, and is, you guessed it, REALLY fucking creepy.

So I know what you're thinking. "Well, have you at least talked to her about this?"

Yeah. At least, I've tried. I apologized for everything recently (excluding the masturbation thing), and she got angry at the fact that I even care about/remember everything. Her response to one of the things I brought up was "Bro I didn't even remember that."

She usually shuts down when I try to talk about these things. I've tried to ask her about her boundaries, about what I should and shouldn't do, and she's never really answered that question.

Though she has said that she doesn't care about the comments I've made. She doesn't care that I'm attracted to her, romantically and sexually. She thinks it's normal, considering how close we've gotten. She actually thinks it's kinda funny when I worry so much about things. (I made a dumbass comment recently that I immediately regretted, and was cringing and beating myself up about it. She was just giggling up a storm.)

What hurts more, is that not only does she forgive me for this stuff, but she wants me in her life more than ever. She wants me to move to her state so I can move in with her. She wants to take me on all sorts of trips. And it's not that I don't want to do these things, I just don't feel deserving of her. I'm terrified I'll somehow do something worse.

It especially hurts that she willingly exposed herself to me recently. Like, without me asking. Nothing too NSFW, but still. I felt so lucky, but again, I don't deserve that after how creepy I've been.

So there's the story. I know it's long, I apologize.

I will say, I'm not trying to make excuses for any of my actions, and I hope that it doesn't sound that way. I have tons of reasons and explanations for my actions, but that in no way excuses them.

Now, you can draw the pitchforks.