How to fight the urge to ruin my own life?

I am in my, hopefully, final year of university and it’s been a real fucking struggle, on and off medication, stopped attending my classes, scraped my way into this year by the skin of my teeth.

Now I’m staring down a dissertation, trying to keep going to classes, finally titrating on adhd meds which ain’t really helping me and I’m just tired. I’ve managed to just about stay on top of thin gas but it’s starting to slip a bit and I just want to let it, I wanna stop going to classes and just say fuck it, take my loan money and blow it all on a last hurrah, wreck my future to the point that my hopelessness and misery will overcome by fear and guilt about suicide.

I have felt worse, and that’s part of the problem, this awful inbetween where I’m still functional but it takes so much effort and I’m certainly not happy. This feeling will pass eventually but I really don’t know anymore how to keep myself on top of things until then. Maybe it’s to get back onto meds and in therapy but it really didnt feel like it was helping and with the wait times it ends up happening that either by the time I see them I’ll already be so deep in this pit that it’s gonna be so much worse to fix, or I’ll already have gotten over it.

It’s killing my mom I think, how much I call her to tell her I’m lonely and overwhelmed and miserable but at the same time she doesn’t understand that I am 100% serious about how I feel, she says to meditate, she says she’ll do some work on call with me tonight; I don’t want to do this fucking work, I want to want to do it, but I’d rather bash my brains in tbh. I haven’t even looked at the dissertation topics that I need a proposal for in less than 12 hours. I’m just really lost and could do with a bit of direction if anyone’s got anything for me to motivate myself, and also to call my mom less?