It’s been bad for awhile. All we do is fight or he ignores my existence until we have sex. I do everything with the kids and the house. We both work full time, only difference is the younger two are home with me while I work so I’m doing two full time jobs and all the household responsibilities. He works and gets paid but I manage all the bill pay otherwise he spends all the money and then we are late on his bills with at this point are only 1/3 of rent and his car note. 

Anyways things have gotten worse. And any fight even small ones over stupid stuff lead to him saying he is done and fuck me and my feelings and turning it around to how he works so hard so his less than bare min is his contribution. I don’t even get weekends off or on his days off when he is home all day he doesn’t help with the cleaning or kids. And they are up at 5am every day. 

Today was the start of another most likely relationship ending fight. The reason for staying on the couch is below. 

He has been staying on the couch in the basement for a month since our last fight which resulted in him calling the cops while I was sick. I had been sick all day so I went to bed as soon as he got home. Our son had a head cold and woke up screaming bloody murder, long story short I couldn’t wake him. So I crawled upstairs since I was dizzy with a headache/ maybe vertigo and after making sure our son was okay couldn’t get downstairs. So I called and screamed for my husband to help since I was starting to panic. That triggered him and then when he finally helped me after screaming and raising his fist to me I called my brother in another state because I was crying. He called the cops and said I was attacking him. They could there and I couldn’t even stand up without getting sick. We agreed that since I can’t pay rent 100% without him and he can’t afford to live alone either he would stay downstairs. Whatever it is what it is. 

Flash forward to today. He has started sleeping in our bed again this past week. I was weak and we had sex. He stayed in the bed and then decided to move himself back in. 

Well he doesn’t like if I wake him up. He actually gets mad and told me before not to as that’s his responsibility but then he does something like today. He oversleeps for work and stomps around the house really angry. I try so fucking hard to just be sweet and loving and hope that if I’m soft enough, kind enough, forgiving enough he will finally show me love. Even an I love you or your pretty or whatever. Even a hug. 

But I’m smiling at him as he gets ready. And he snaps and goes off because this girl he is friends with on Facebook messaged him because I reached out. (For context he never posts me, likes any pictures I post or reacts any way. But I found he was heart reacting all of her slutty half naked photos so I messaged her and she never responded). I did try asking but he said they were old friends and then got mad at me for asking or bringing it up. 

So today he goes off yelling how embarrassing it is, how could I even do that and now it makes him think
He can’t trust me not to cheat. And then storms out and slams the door. 

Anyways that’s what texted. I know I probably should have kept my mouth shut and not said anything. I just wanted to explain why I asked her. 

It just feels like there is no love on his side. It’s all transactional. I fuck him and I get a little attention. But together there is no loving relationship or emotional safety and we can’t have a conversation. I’ve asked him for years to do therapy. He will agree then have every excuse under the sun why he can’t go and then it’s I never agreed and then we don’t need that and then back to I told you I’d go. 

I’m not sure why I’m posting. I guess just needed to vent. I feel so fucking alone in the marriage and I just want to feel like I’m worth something again. I have finally started trying to make time for myself but I have to jump through 27 hoops even for an hour of me time. Even on his days off. 

Relationship toxic for awhile.