On BDSM, filth and grief

Old time queer kinkster here, and the past few months have been filled with new lovers with delicious new and old experiences.

Sadly, this past year has also been filled with grief, friends breakup, new country and apartment to get used to, some disappointments from the people around me, and to top it off - two grandmas dying in the span of less than two weeks, which happened just a few days ago.

I find myself WAY less horny and much less wanting to play - which makes so much sense, cause I know myself and how it sometimes works this way when I'm grieving.

I do, however, find myself fantasizing about getting even lower than I ever got. Groveling for one of my doms in the cold mud, her shoving my head in the ground and making me lick it, feeling that she wants to turn me into nothing - in a loving way that turns her on and makes me embodied again in my body, feeling it ache, humiliated but also so loved and cared for.

Anyone has a familiar experience/fantasy? Do you connect between filth, humiliation, and/or emodiement/alienation/crises? What are your experiences around BDSM and grief?