Just airing the thoughts out

I need to know what it is in me that is more scared of losing someone than letting them know they are hurting me. Especially if I know they don't realize the hurt they are causing. I need to know what it is in me that causes me to become emotionally delusional at the second I am getting attention. I want to understand why so many of the people I've caught feelings for are not in the right headspace for a relationship. And what is it about the red flags that attracts me like a bull. I just want to fall for someone who is healthy and wants to give me the love I want to give them. But does that exist for me? Or should I just come to terms with the fact that I won't get that from someone? It hurts hearing someone I have feelings for talk about someone else in the same way I see them. But the hurt feels better than the potential of absence. Not to forget that the second someone shows interest in me I immediately feel some kind of way. Even if that is not how they intended for me to interpret their attention. I feel so fucking unhealed and disregulated, and its truly causing me so much fucking pain. My body is genuinely aching from the anxiety, and I just want it to stop. But if I tell them what im feeling it may make everything worse. I hate having to deal with this shit. I just want someone to sweep me off of my feet, to make it easy to love them, someone who sees me, wants me, cares for me, and doesn't need to play some kind of game. Its exhausting only having romantic interests with people who don't know how/want to show up in return. I know love isnt meant to be easy, but I am pretty sure its not meant to be this fucking hard either... Thank God I have therapy tomorrow because I dont think I want to be on this Rollercoaster alone any more. I also hate how being riddled with anxiety makes me want to not be alive. If I werent here then at least it wouldnt be so painful. And its amazing how I can go years without feeling that, and one person can throw me right back to that point.