decision made: i'm going to open my mouth today. timing tbd [aka exercising patientience]

in the meantime, i'm gonna babble away in here until i get to the words i need

i'm experiencing thought fragmentation due to my level of excitement, which will also fuck things up for me if i am unable to speak with them in a cohesive, well-thought-out, professional manner. if i try to speak with them coming from a tone of crazy manic bitch, things will not go well for anyone here.

i wonder how mindful, self-aware, and situationally-aware other people are at any given moment. i truly wonder if anyone is as aware as i am, and i wonder if anyone else is so aware of my own awareness of myself.

are you confused? if you are, i apologize.

i genuinely wonder these things in these weird ways.

genuine catharsis from me: i have been working on healing myself this year in every way possible [mentally, physically, and spiritually] while having virtually zero assistance as i am in poverty.

i have come to learn that as i have been doing this, i have also been concurrently working on becoming enlightened it seems. i wasn't aiming for this, but it appears to be coming as some sort of weird side-effect of my healing journey. <side tangent, i really need to get better at seeing and calling my combo shots before i shoot>

surprised?

yeah, i was too. my flabbers done been ghasted to oblivion at times with it

still working on it, but uhhhhh

yeah...

pretty sure i'm on the cusp of my personal zen

it's kinda really fucking cool, honestly. i like to think of it as "zen and the art of learning how to calm the fuck down"

humor is a coping mechanism of mine. i have a really weird sense of humor too, it would seem.

dear world, i am 42 years of age. this is my year of personal enlightenment.

does anyone catch the hitchhikers reference yet? i tried that one a few months back but i did it in such a way that i came across as hella manic.

idk if i really am that 42, but i sure as fuck think i could be. i'm working on finding out.

. . .

now, that ended off sounding a bit manic, right?

i'm at work. i'm thinking this way, feeling these things, processing it all irl irt. and i'm the hostess, sitting clear as day in the front of the house surrounded by giant glass windows [i'll add a pic in comments].

not one single person here has any clue who or what is here with them.

this is called deception. it is called hiding in plain sight. it is could be considered manipulation. it is also a form of masking and mimicry.

what else is this?

apparently it could be/is a form of dissociative identity disorder, aka multiple personality disorder.

aka, you only see what i so choose to let you see as i will allow you to see it.

. . .

basically, it's complicated as fuck is what it is, and that's just what the fuck i am.

ugh.

trying to convey/explain this to anyone?

complicated as fuck.

trying to explain this to medical professionals?

probably going to be almost as bad as fights with stbx unless they're open-minded.

. . .

okay that hit is about done. think i need one more to really get the noodle rolling for this upcoming convo.

what?

don't judge me monkey.

i'm taking my medicine.

besides, if the boh staff can do coke then wtf is wrong with me taking a hit of pot to calm myself down [which also makes me more a touch more manic/it's a stimulant/it also helps my audhd/ad infinitum]?

ttfn