Knowing who and who not to trust? Tw // abuse and grooming

I was groomed and trafficked from ages 13 to 23. Abused by my father right from birth. And then by teachers in elementary school. Hit on by teachers in HS the day after I turned 18. I turned 18 on Sunday on 2014 and on Monday, I was flirting with teachers after hours without even realizing we were flirting.

I meet more and more people now and it’s been hard to really see if being loved bombed, if someone’s not really with my best interest at all.

This isn’t in terms of dating, but all of my relationships have come from friendships.

My friends and I were talking about the people we like versus who likes us. And I noticed that:

The people attracted and/or interested me are:

People my age or slightly younger (older than 25) who tend to be controlling and they have a lot of promises always revolving around my disability, my worries of not being able to support myself on my own, and them promising and saying: they want to take care of me / they will take care of me. They also come off way too self-sacrificial.

Older men (15 - 20 years my senior) who tell me I’m different, I’m not like other girls, etc. That they love talking to me because I know a lot? I… don’t know how I feel about it. I almost never buy it. Especially if they comment on how they thought I was lying about my age and that I was a minor, but still found me pretty enough to approach me.

Older cis women and older trans women who almost always want to take me home with them. And I look like a baby, how ‘baby girl coded’ I am, how soft, soft spoken, shy, or that it’s cute that I shake. How I don’t have a good poker face, but I’m quiet enough that they can’t quite “read” me.

I grew up as the ugly girl. The white-passing pale faced wild curly brown frizzy messy hair, skinny ass where the biggest things on me where my giant head, my bony shoulders, my elbows, my hands, my knees, and my feet. I was built like a Tim Burton’s Kingdom Hearts character, but without all belts and zippers.

I have a LOT of doubts when people find me attractive. And I know that’s lingering insecurities, but I’m at a transitional phase in my life from when I couldn’t look in the mirror as a kid to I don’t hate my face, I have no desire to make changes, but I’m still not convinced I fall into the pretty category for most.

I don’t wanna be pushing my lingering insecurities onto other people. That’s not fair to them for my insecurities to judge their characters incorrectly and so harshly.

And the last is people younger than 25, older than 18, who think I’m their age and still flirt when I tell them I’m not comfortable with someone their age flirting with me because I’m 29 years old.