just need to vent

Been working at a new job for about a month now. It's the most intense job I've ever had, and requires my brain to be at 110% every day, which is good for me. But one thing that's been eating at me is the fact that there's still people I haven't said a word to even though I'm only a cubicle away from them. I got hired on with two other dudes and although the three of us are cool, they seem to have formed other friendships with everyone else who works there.

I can't remember when it started but at some point when I was younger I began to only speak to people when there was sufficient context, and never learned how to initiate conversations with people who I don't know.

In my case now, it made sense to form bonds with other new hires because we're all going through the same thing and it makes the process easier. But as far as other people at work, the only time I talk to them is if I have a work-related reason. And there are people who I've never had to talk to up to this point, but I see them talking to my other coworkers and I can't help but wonder what they think of me because I'm so quiet. They probably think I'm just an asshole because I also have a bad case of resting bitch face.

When I clocked out of work today, I said "have a good night" to one of the guys who's trained me but he just kept walking. I made it to the elevator and he was standing there talking to another one of our coworkers, we all walked in and they continued their conversation. I just stood there and didn't say anything, feeling like a fucking outcast the entire time. I didn't make eye contact but I could feel one of them looking at me like "you gonna finally introduce yourself after a month or just stand there?"

I just feel like a fucking weirdo all the time, and it only gets harder to change with every day that passes. The other new hires talk to them and crack jokes, but I just stay in my cubicle and I'm so envious that they can engage with others so easily. But I know it's because I've isolated myself for so long...

Having a really demanding job helps a lot because it gives me a reason to just hunker down at my desk and work, but there is inevitable downtime and I don't know how to socialize.

My anxiety has gotten better over the years, I can at least leave the house and talk to people if I absolutely have to, but I am still dysfunctional when I do. I've managed it just enough to hold a job, but that's the bare minimum. When I'm not at work I just sit at home w/ my gf or play games. I also notice how my own social habits affect her.. she ends up staying in a lot too which hurts me to see and I know I've played a part in that..

Anyways I don't really know what I'm hoping to get out of this post, I guess I just need to get my thoughts out. Maybe some of you can relate, hope you're all having a good day.