Losing hope for my dad

My dad has been an alcoholic for a good chunk of his life, but mainly since he lost his brother, dad, and mom. That was 37 years ago, and he never healed from that. Even after marrying my mom, buying a house, securing a job, having kids, he still chose alcohol over everything else. He let himself go, lost his wife, his house, his job, and two out of his three kids. After all of this, he still won’t step up or be there for me. My mom went to every doctor’s appointment, every field trip, every parent teacher conference, it was always mom. Never dad, not even an ounce of care in the world. He went to one father-daughter dance in Kindergarten and that’s it. I was always jealous of my brothers since my mom was always there for the mother-son events. I remember in the fifth grade when my friends were going to the dance, but I couldn’t go. My dad was in jail for threatening us, so my grandpa offered to take me. It just wasn’t the same, so I declined.

Growing up and seeing girls with their dads hurt. How I yearned to have that relationship with my dad, since I did have it at one point. As I got older, we both grew apart and it’s for the best. I wish that he would go to therapy and get help, but that’s more rare than winning the lottery. I know why he acts this way, his childhood was not a good one. It’s not excuse, just an explanation.

I am fine without him, he and I barely speak. There will always be a part of me that wishes he’d step up. Make up for all of the times that he let me down. Then I remember that he made no effort to come to my graduation, even after implying that he would. Just words with empty promises, I guess. I wish that I could call him out and tell him how much shit he has put me through, but I can’t stoop down to his level. I give up.

Now that I’m older, I look at those same girls with dads and smile. They won’t have to through what me and my brothers went through, so thank god for that.