Fearful avoidant triggers in trying to fight. Haunted by fears and self sabotaging thoughts but You’re all I want. I choose you, I will always choose you. No matter how far or what circumstance. My soul wants to dance with yours.

Its heavy. The silence.. Hours tick by, day one, day two… will it be day three ? I can overwhelm with topics and glee… just because I’m happy and want to share with thee. We have a complicated story you and I never able to fully let go even when we once did, attempted move ons with another each, yet both always thinking about another. “I would drive by and wonder if you were in there”. & I would go to the beach and be looking over my shoulder from a distance wondering if that was you. We dance the dance, passion, love, desire, two avoidant one dismissive one fearful. I chase you run, I run you chase. We dream so vividly of another even in each others dreams same dream, same night beside one another. You care Ik you do. You’re scared, so am I. You don’t have everything together but try to keep up the mask, so Do I. I share my mess only with a chosen few. You’re one I allow to see my weakness & fears. Silence isn’t something I’m not familiar with however I can’t help but wonder if your silence is because you’re with a temporary replacement as we both know you’re moving again anyways across the world and back to my side soon. Maybe I’m crazy, there could be no one, I have a big betrayal & abandonment wound, you have a defect & abandonment wound- we both have trust issues. I go to Therpay I am doing better and I try to fight my triggers & you’ve done better before trying for accountability. Yet here I sit battling my own inner demons trying not to be the one who runs. You said what I thought wasn’t true. & it’s just a confusing thing. So what do I do? You give so much to me to help me, and hold me when I cry. I try to support and show you how much I see your true insides and how you shine. One, two… will it be three ? In this silence I sit, My triggers are making me want to run from thee & rebel thinking you’re out betraying me so I may as well do the same. Complicated situationship where both love and know we can’t let the other go yet are afraid to fully let the other in. Wanting it to stay safe in the bubble that it is. One, two … will it be three? Do I run and seek shelter under another tree? Part of me will hate myself bc you’re the only one I want and care for… even when I tried to move on so many times… it’s you it always has been.. but the other part the part afraid of betrayal and abandonment thinks maybe you’re doing the same thing days before you go to leave your areas anyways… so maybe that’s why the silence or maybe you’re getting ready to discard and abandon me again. Idk. So maybe I have to run first, or maybe you’re already gone and I haven’t got the hint. My triggers are making me want to get into a strangers bed. I don’t do this, it makes me sick but maybe that’s what I need do to avoid the thoughts of you… maybe that’s what you’re doing trying to avoid thoughts of me… One, two… will it be three? If it’s three then maybe you don’t actually care about me… if so then what am I doing caring about you. Always loyal… even when you may not have been? Idk, but I doubt you’d tell me that truth anyways m; it would risk losing me, losing control, you know that.. it’s the one thing that would force me to run and let go.. one… two… will you make it three or do you care about me? Pushing me away again? With another? Or just not doing well yourself and distracting trying to not feel the ache of missing me before you can be close again. One, two… I really hope it’s not three… My heart and soul only want thee.. bound and tethered to you I am. My best friend & lover. We really are fucked up huh. Traumatized from family & afraid of the one thing we want most, peaceful nights with Eachother. I love you dummy, I hate the distance, ik there are things you can’t tell me bc you don’t know yet and want safe guards for your possibilities. & there are things I can’t tell you, from fear of rejection & my own struggle to show you the depths of my vulnerability with you… I may be the more emotionally soft one but I never did tell you those words did I, funny. Idk if I’ll ever Be able to say them that exact way out loud. Too afraid of rejection, of ruining the moment. I know you know tho, just as I know for you. The eyes, & all we do. You’re so smart except for when it comes to relationships.

I do miss you dummy… ik you miss me to, I hope you don’t make it three..

Ps. You did say that to me. Ik you did..