Possible Lesbian Seeking Advice

Hello lovelies.

I am hoping to seek some advice/guidance/support. I have a lot of queer friends, but only one or two are lesbian so I would love some outside perspective.

I’m in my mid to late 20s and since I was about 18/19 I have identified as pansexual. I’ve always been attracted to women, and there were men I found attractive at one point. I’ve only ever been in relationships with men, and I’ll be honest: I’ve never enjoyed being with a man.

I have feelings for this lovely incredible woman I’m friends with (don’t worry, she is a lesbian), and as my feelings for her grow I’ve been realizing it’s a completely different experience than any other romantic feelings I’ve ever had. It’s been making me wonder; am I pan, or am I actually lesbian?

I’ve been thinking back to my childhood and teens, and been having a lot of “a-ha” moments. Example: when I first started fantasizing sexually, it was always only about women. Additionally, my first boyfriend and I broke up because I couldn’t possibly fathom being intimate with him. The other two boyfriends I’ve had, I didn’t enjoy being intimate with at all. It was a chore and never satisfying. A lot of my friends call me a gentleman because while I’m pretty femme presenting I always take care of women (getting the door, carrying their things, doting on them, etc, doing “stereotypical male things” eye roll).

I’ve dated women, I’ve kissed women, but I’ve not been intimate yet (but the thought of it excites me more than any guy has, despite some trauma I’ve experienced).

Did anyone else go through this experience of feeling like they liked men for years and years, and then realizing that maybe they actually don’t?

I feel like perhaps I was maybe “liking” men due to internalized homophobia and because my family (who when I was about 14 confronted me about suspecting that I was gay and that it wasn’t ok for me to be) made me feel like it was wrong.

I will say, pan always felt like the best “label” because it’s all encompassing. But when I think of myself as lesbian, it almost feels like a relief.