I'm no longer even trying to reconcile with my mother

I've somewhat coming to terms with the fact that my mother is never going to apologize for what she did to me, she's never going to admit that what she did was wrong, she's never going to do anything to even try to atone for having me mutilated. My only goal now is to make her suffer as much as she has made me suffer. As much as I don't like that I've become someone who derives joy from tormenting her, feeling perverse pleasure at knowing that she is opening her phone to graphic imagines of circumcisions gone wrong (unfortunate for me, fortunate for her, my botched circumcision was due to nerve damage, so she still got to look at a pretty penis while changing my diapers) with messages reminding her that this is what she was willing to inflict upon me. Daily reminders, in graphic detail, of the nerve pain I feel. Daily reminders that the style she chose (low and tight) guaranteed that even if I weren't botched, I would never enjoy sex and demanding she explain why she is a pedophile who gets off on depriving a newborn of the ability to enjoy sex later in life. I've told her that the world will be a better place when she dies. I've told her that I hope she dies in a car crash and that it hurts like hell and that at the end she realizes how much worse she deserves. I have told her that I genuinely hope that the night she got home from having me mutilated, that she had the best sex of her life and ask how she hid from my father that it wasn't him, but my screams that made her have the best orgasm he ever gave her.

I know it's not healthy, I know that I'm becoming a horrible person, but at this point, I don't care. If I'm not going to be allowed to heal, I can at least take my abusive mother down with me.