Time to call it (4 Weeks PP)

The purpose of this post is a rant, but also a plea for a little love and support. I am 4 weeks postpartum, and I feel like a failure because I cannot seem to make this work.

My baby was early term and induced. He was small, so we introduced formula very early. He struggled to stay awake during nursing and could not efficiently remove milk. I have spent the past month with several lactation consultants and bouncing between nursing, pumping, and triple feeding, hopeful that my hard work would eventually pay off.

But my supply dropped. I have stayed an undersupplier.

In the past week, my body seems to have completely turned against me. I have been getting clogged duct after clogged duct, to the point where I cannot even hold my baby because of the pain. I have replaced every pump part, checked every setting, and tried every tip. Still, my breasts feel like they are constantly fighting me.

My husband and my mom have been incredible, taking care of me, making sure the baby is fed, measuring bottles, and doing everything possible, but I still feel broken. It is heartbreaking to sit on the sidelines and watch instead of being the one taking care of him. I am also terrified because how am I supposed to do this as by myself (my husband has already returned to work and I can’t expect my mom to stay with us forever)???

After a month of trying everything, I am calling it. Once I clear this last clog, I am switching fully to formula. I received antibiotics in case this takes another turn for the worse. I really hope the weaning process does not bring more pain or more clogs. If anyone has tips for weaning safely, please share them.