My (29F) sister (28F) is preparing to go no contact with our other sister (28F) who seems unaware that she’s done anything wrong. Is this salvageable?

I have two younger sisters, who I’ll call S & L. Our relationship growing up was extremely hostile: verbal (and sometimes physical) fights, the meanest insults we could think of, exploiting one another’s embarrassing moments and insecurities to make them feel worthless, violations of personal space or possessions, to give some examples. Every single day was a nightmare, and everyone was miserable.

Our mom tried her best to intervene. She would try to nip arguments in the bud, would beg us to get along, stop fighting, support one another, but it just wouldn’t happen. Occasionally, we could hold it together long enough to get through Mothers’ Day, a birthday, or a family outing, but it was always forced and would inevitably fall apart.

It got better once we all finished high school and moved to different cities hundreds of miles away from one another. However, it would start back up again when we all returned for the holidays, albeit much less extreme than before.

Occasionally we would try to catch up with one another while we were away at our respective schools. Over the years, I found myself talking to and reaching out to S more than L. She was easy to talk to: upbeat, empathetic, inquisitive, and we had some things in common that we could talk about. L was harder to connect with. She often came off as cold, aloof, and sarcastic, which generally dissuaded me from wanting to call again.

S and I were able to slowly build trust through consistent, positive interactions over time, eventually getting us to the place we are now. I can say that S and I are truly best friends. This is something I never could have imagined and am so grateful for.

Unfortunately, S and I don’t have anything near that with L. What began as normal teen behavior when we were in middle school (picking fights with your siblings, talking back to/disrespecting your parents, being generally sullen and unpleasant), just never really seemed to go away for her. She has certainly mellowed out in recent years, but will occasionally fall back into her old ways. (ex. L recently shared a link in the family group chat to an Amazon Wishlist she made for her job. I texted her privately to ask what one of the items was for; I just didn’t understand it in the context of her job. Rather than texting me back answering the question, she sends me a 13-second voice note giving me a weird half-assed non-explanation followed by 7 seconds of silence.)

L has wonderful, loving relationships with our grandparents and our aunt, gets along with both of her brothers-in-law, and from what I can gather, is able to make and maintain friendships without issue. I’ve seen the way she interacts with kids and other people, and she’s this cool, funny, creative person who I don’t recognize. She turns into someone I wish I knew. Who I want my sister to be.

Sometimes she’s like that with me. Cool L shows up when I’m home for the holidays and it’s just us (without S). She wants to spend time with me, asks me about my pets or my life, etc. I get Cool L for about 3 days before the old L comes back. I want to believe that Cool L is the real her; that it’s not just a face that she puts on until she can’t keep it up anymore.

Overall, L’s current relationship with me is pretty neutral. I tend to be respectful until I feel I’m being disrespected. For better or worse, I’m still hopeful that L can change, so I want to give her the opportunity(ies).

S’s current relationship with L is the complete opposite. S suffered a lot of verbal and physical abuse from L, which I wasn’t aware of until recently. Being the same age and being involved in many of the same activities, they spent a lot more time with one another than with me. During these times, L would focus all her hatred and anger towards S.

The most extreme example occurred one summer after high school. S & L were in the car on a windy mountain road. L was driving. S said something seemingly benign, but it sent L into a blind rage—screaming profanities and insults, and punching S as hard as she could—all while she’s driving down a mountain. She could have killed them both.

S has told me about her attempts to reach out and connect with L over the years. Some of the highlights are:

• L would ask about S’s school, classes, sorority, etc., S would start to answer, and L would pretend to fall asleep (like full on honk shoo)
• L would constantly talk down to S about the fact she was in a sorority, or how she didn’t think her new relationship would last
• S would ask L about how things were going for her at school, and L would give 1-word answers or completely ignore her

Other patterns of behavior from L include:

• body shaming (they are exactly the same, not that it matters)
• mooching/greediness
  • expecting others to pay for her meals (ex. asking “do I need to bring my wallet?”)
  • never contributing to shared meals when everyone else does (never offering to cook, bring beverages, or help clean up after)
• theft
  • borrowing something and refusing to give it back; needing to be asked repeatedly before complying
  • taking things she knows belong to someone else (also legit shoplifting)
  • accusing others of stealing her things
• rude, sarcastic, or negative comments about appearance, city of residence, hobbies, etc.
• acts superior/talks down when she thinks she knows more than you about something, and refuses to hear other ideas/perspectives

So, S is fed up. She has no desire to have a relationship with L and is frustrated by our mom’s enabling. Our mom goes to extreme lengths to make L feel included, but never does the same for us. She repeatedly places L’s feelings above ours.

S has been really open with our dad about what’s going on, how she’s feeling, and what will happen if things between her and L don’t change. My dad listened and understood. I know he wishes just as much as my mom does for us to all be friends, but unlike my mom, he’s never pushed to try to make it happen.

S has tried several times to have the same conversation with our mom, who tends to hang up the phone or fully disengage/stop listening when she gets upset, and L’s relationship with us is her biggest trigger. The divide eats my mom up. She just wants her girls to love one another. But that desperation ends up driving a bigger wedge into our family.

S resorted to sending our mom a long text message outlining everything: how she’s done with L getting preferential treatment, pointing out the imbalance, how our mom needs to stop pressuring her (and me) to go along with it. S just wants to be left alone. Text or email is the only way S feels like she can say everything she needs to say to our mom without being hung up on or tuned out, with the hopes that she’d eventually read it all the way through. No idea if she ever has.

We all still live far away from one another, so most of the time, not having a relationship is pretty easy. We really only return home for holidays, and S mostly avoids or ignores L, using her husband as a buffer/human shield.

The way I understand it, in order for her to move forward, S needs an apology—a genuine apology!—for the years of abuse and disrespect from L, and for her to make a concerted effort to mend their relationship.

Unfortunately, I think L is so self-absorbed and oblivious that she doesn’t realize the precarious situation she’s in. I don’t know if she realizes just how much she’s hurt S over the years, just how much there is to apologize/make up for, and what’s at stake if she doesn’t start fixing things now.

S is getting to a point in her life where she is ready to start thinking about having children, but as everything stands, she has no intention of letting L around her kids… ever. My brother-in-law is supportive of his wife. He will enforce any boundaries she puts in place because he understands the dynamic between them, but I highly doubt he wants it to come to that.

S has said that unless L makes drastic changes to her pattern of behavior soon, there will be no relationship between them. In my opinion, any attempts by L to work on their relationship post-baby will be too late, as S will view L’s actions as being motivated by a desire to have a relationship with her niece/nephew, rather than her own sister. It will come off as disingenuous and will be rejected.

I’ve suggested my brother-in-law reach out to L privately to let her know what’s on the horizon and to try to get her on the right track. He thinks that could be a good idea and he’s considering it. I think if anyone could get through to her, it would be him.

My hope is that a conversation with L opens her eyes to the damage that she’s done and all that could be lost if she doesn’t change immediately and for good.

Maybe I’m too much like our mom here. I want to be able to have a friendship with both of my sisters. I want my sisters to have a positive relationship with one another. And I’m potentially meddling to try to make it happen for fear of my family being split in two.

By my estimation, there’s really only about 2 years left before my sister has a baby and completely cuts L out of her life. I’m worried it’s already too late and there’s nothing left to fix.

Is anything salvageable here? Should I step back and let things take their course without interfering?

Any advice or words of encouragement are appreciated.

TL;DR – My sisters have a broken relationship. One is preparing to go full no-contact unless the other drastically changes her behavior; the other sister is seemingly oblivious to the situation and her wrongdoings. Can they come back from this?