I [41M] am torn between compassion and self-preservation after an emergency protective order against my partner [39F]

Hi everyone. I was going to post this in relationship_advice but I needed to be able to explain a bit more, so I’m posting here.

I’m 41M, my partner’s 39F. We’ve been back together for a few years, but we actually dated when we were 17 and 18. It always felt like unfinished business, and we would randomly reach out over the years. After both of our divorces, we found each other again, and it honestly felt like fate gave us another chance. When things were good, they were really good. We could talk for hours, laugh over the dumbest things, and we’re aligned on a lot of the important stuff. I also know we truly care for each other.

But over time her triggers have gotten worse. I journal a lot and have written about many of our hard moments, and lately those moments have been happening more often. About six months ago she was arrested after an argument, and her ex used that situation to take her kids away. She hasn’t seen them since, and that loss has crushed her while likely fueling the intensity of things between us too.

Then in September there was an incident while my own kids were at the house. Chairs and plates were thrown, and after that I made sure my boys weren’t around when things felt unstable. When I have them, I would stay at my parents instead. That was when I drew a line and told her that for us to keep trying, she needed to be in consistent therapy. She did start an intensive program and was diagnosed with complex PTSD from her previous abusive marriage of 17 years.

Even with that, it’s been hard. I’ve got two little boys from my first marriage, and it’s started feeling like I’m always trying to keep peace in two places at once. This week, things escalated again when I was leaving to see my kids. She panicked, begged me not to go, and her abandonment trigger took over. It got bad enough that I called 911. An emergency protective order was filed and she was arrested. Since then, I haven’t seen or spoken to her. Up until that night, we were still living together and I truly thought we were trying to make it work. It’s been a shock.

Even though I know it’s taking a toll on me emotionally, I’ve always tried to stand by her and help her through the hardest moments because I know what’s underneath all that fear. This wasn’t the first time things went too far. Arguments can turn destructive, and then later when we would discuss it, the situations would get minimized and lowered from what actually took place, that for me, It makes it hard to heal. Sometimes she’ll say something different later that doesn’t match what’s on our cameras or recordings, and it leaves me confused, wondering if I’m being too sensitive, which I think about most nights.

She’s never really been alone. She married young, went straight from that into our relationship, and since her ex restricted her time with her kids, she’s lost almost everything that gave her stability. I helped her get legal help, stood by her after her earlier arrest, and did everything I could to be in her corner. Now I’m sitting in peace at home and she’s alone in a hotel, and I feel guilty about it.

During the last incident this week after I had already called 911, she was so terrified of getting in trouble again that she said something about telling the police a version of events that wasn’t true which would have made me the aggressor. When I reminded her about the cameras and audio, she broke down and apologized, saying she was just desperate in the moment. That scared me because it showed how far her fear can push her.

My lawyer wants to move forward, serve the divorce at her work, and try to extend the order past the 91 days. I keep hesitating because my heart hasn’t caught up to all of this. Part of me believes that if we both do the work, maybe one day we could try again. But I’m scared that if I take that space, I’ll lose her completely. I’m also scared that if I don’t, I’ll keep putting her healing above mine and my kids’. I know the depth and complexity of who she is at her core, and I believe the chaos comes from the damage left behind by her past. But trying to help her remove all that pain has made me completely lose myself.

I’ve been seeing a therapist for a few months now, and she believes I’m trauma bonded after years of these emotional highs and lows. I can see the pattern and I’m trying to be honest about it, but it doesn’t make the feelings stop. I miss her even through all the pain, and then I get these waves of calm at home that feel like peace, and I don’t know what to do with that.

One of the hardest parts of this is the protective order and knowing that the legal side could affect her job and her ability to see her kids. I don’t want that for her. In a perfect world, I wish I could just tell her we both need a year apart, I’d focus on therapy and my boys, she could keep healing and rebuilding, and maybe we could meet again one day for coffee, healthier versions of ourselves. But I don’t know if that’s realistic.  If I don’t drop the charges against her though, she will lose her job, likely lose her kids even more and truly have nothing.  I can’t be the one to do that to her when I see past the outside destruction.

My questions:

1. How do I let go of someone I still care about when the relationship has gotten this unstable?
2. How do I handle the guilt of knowing she’s alone and struggling when I’m the one in our home and she’s in a hotel?
3. Is it realistic to hold on to the idea of maybe trying again later if we both actually heal, or am I just keeping myself stuck?

TL;DR: 41M, partner 39F. Long history and strong bond, but her triggers and escalations led to an incident where I called 911 and an emergency protective order was filed. My lawyer wants to finalize and extend the order. I still love and worry about her but I also want peace and to protect my kids. How do I move forward without feeling like I’m abandoning her, and is it realistic to hope for a later reconnection?