I think I need Therapy but I'm terrified because I was abused by a Therapist

***Trigger Warning sexual abuse themes***

For context, I dated a therapist, I was 19 at the time and they were in their 30s. It was the most abusive relationship i've ever been in and have been recovering since, have dated way better men, changed my standards ALOT, cut all contact, moved away from the area and am now 22 and not dating and know how to trust my gut now.

Before our relationship, I was such a happy gal. Maybe happiness and positivity was how I bypassed things and i'm grateful I can feel so much now, but these days I just feel broken.

My life is pretty fine in terms of what i'm actually experiencing now, and quite lucky. I travel, I'm healthy & sober often, I have good friends, get treated well and receive a lot. I work on my book and practice music. I don't work a normal job, I model here and there and am on government support since burning out and having a bad fall off my bike a few months ago from working too many jobs after a breakup (different guy and was a fine, somewhat healing short term relationship that ended amicably because of differences a year ago now.) I'm constantly exhausted even though I have so much time, devastated at night, crying almost every day -at least every week and have trouble sleeping to the point where lack of sleep is what makes me feel the most sick.

I really want to have therapy about it all and think I need to, and learn to not be so frozen but i'm terrified being taking advantage by someone mentally again. The therapist ex would use therapy mental techniques on me to traumatise/destroy my confidence and bring up trauma on MDMA he gave me so I could "work through it with him and improve our relationship" but it would just end up with me feeling trapped, resurfacing trauma and screaming in a tent, talking for hours while high then being expected to have sex afterwards. This happened multiple times with drugs and "unassisted couples therapy sessions". I once refused sex on one of these "sessions" and woke up to them having sex with me while I was asleep later in the night. They would often hurt me physically/emotionally then be the one to hold me and say it was me healing when I would cry all night in their arms. I left them soon after this.

But also beyond that, I know what I need and still find it hard to initiate counselling and proactivity because of fear. I want to finish my book, I want to express myself onstage again, and just make music, but all of this feels so much even though I've got more spare time than anyone I know. Journaling only does so much and friends can only carry so much.

Does anyone have advice? Im tired of feeling broken and devastated, frozen and fragile. I really need help. I just want to thrive again I just want to be the artist that can express their pain without having it consume me. I just want to be able to finally sleep like a normal person. Even if any abuse survivors can relate and tell me what helped that would be so amazing. I can't tell Chat GBT this sh*t. I need humans to confide in.