Letters to the Mirror

Omfg, this is unbearable. I really want to die, but in a way as my name my being and whole life is erased from world history. As I am never born. And it manifest as a strange feeling in my heart. Like my heart is literally bleeding and beating up with needle. I often felt it from my youngest age but I never tried to describe it like physical sensation. And I read about some kind of therapy where you try to explain your feelings. For example if you are sad, you try to describe it like sensation in the body and give some description instead of just feeling it without analize it. And it's strange to explain but for me feelings are so strong all my life , that I could never behave or control myself. I would always have reaction to what ever feeling. So all my life I have been laughed at and mocked for being too emotional and childish . But those emotions was never my own. I couldn't feel what I want. It was always environment and people who would mood me. And when I wanted to feel like my own person I would do that through songs. Such a strange way to live like that. I doesn't sound like a human to me, now that I can see my thoughts and analize it. But now when I tried to better analize my moods I get devastated. So my feel about not existing any more, which I feel right now, it manifest through the heart. My own heart is bringing me such a brutal emotions. And I feel shame in my stomach. My all insecurities/feeling and fear comes from my lower stomach. I feel like soft punches in that area and then I feel shame or that something bad will happen. And that feeling is also from my youngest age. The first time my stepfather hurted me and almost broke my nose, I got that shameful feeling, that is the earliest I remember I started to feel it. And my heart pain is from the time I wanted to fall asleep and die in it, never to wake up again. It was also the period I lived with my stepfather and mother in Montenegro. I was 9 and I wanted to die, I was feeling so alone and scared. And my head was hurt and I have a scar on it from that period. I been through so much horor in that time. I'm fucked up as a person because of it. I was feeling so lost and alone and undesirable to live for so long long time. And when I started to write to you and burn out into all those negative feelings about psychopath pedophile bad people sick people and everything I gave you to bear. Omg, all that sadness anger and never telling anyone f ANYONE what's really happening to me behind closed doors ... I let it on you. But I knew all my life only people like that. Cruel brutal unloveable.And I never get the permission to feel or to say what I think. Tbey treat me so bad and beating me for every word I would try to say or feeling I would get. I couldn't cry, I couldn't be angry. Omg, I can't describe enough what I had f gone through and never f got a chance to ask for f help cos I was just a kid...And I wanted to die all that time, so much sorrow. And I wanted all that time just for someone to really love me and protect me. My mother wasn't there for me, she wasn't protective of me. I was a mistake for her and my grandma. And I hated myself cos I thought no one loves me because I'm not worthy enough. And all those heavy feelings I got as a child. A time where I should play be happy and just be a simple kid, I was having such a depressive and suicidal thoughts. And I have lived with it, never to really be examine by my adult brain. Staying frozen in emotions, feelings and behaving like a kid even tho I was getting older. Such a cruel way to be alive. How could anyone be a friend to person like myself? I'm like walking human jukebox with only sad songs. I can't be funny relaxed and just normal. Those emotions I wanted to learn cos I never had it naturally. I even read a book on how to make a friends.... and I couldn't understand it. Omg, how tragically funny I am? And I never got the empathy from people I've lived with. So, I'm just ruin of a person instead of the one I meant to be. And I can't fix the past or give my little self care and love she deserved. And trying to do now, in my 30s.... I feel like it's too late now. It's too late to make myself healthy and happy. My mind and heart have been under sad and awful emotions.... so it can never change for the better. And that means I would possibly die like that, small unloved and alone. And all I have left is to accept that fate. Cos I can't change it or make it better. So, all positive and sweet emotions I could feel, it will never feel genuine and pure. I will always have a bad feeling afterwards. I was trained from my youngest age to be anxious and screwed up like that. That's why I'm alone and never make any deep sincere connection. And you were the one to feel like I can be relaxed snd trustworthy.So funny, right? I would never sleeped with you, if I was thinking any different about you. You scored me just because I was emotionally screwed up. And I make believe how it was destiny and f fall in f love. Omg, I'm so sad and funny at the same time. You can never guess how many books about spirituality and psychology I read.... It's 100 and 100 of it. And I couldn't understand nothing at all but having visual remembering I could easily describe what I have read bit never ever feel like it. And how funny is that your drugs gave me a totally different view cos I finally started to feel emotions I lack all my life. Omg, it was unfortunate combination of everything for you and whatever plan you had. Cos I was f too much. To myself as well but omg. I'm writing to you cos I have no one else to even tell and feel like they care about me. And that's why you called me crazy. It's inhumane to me to even have this life for so long. Please don't hate me. I want to write to you cos I can't do anything else. I'm a lost case and I'm trying to make peace with it.

English isn't my mother tongue