Going through the wrong puberty isn't the worst part.

Watching other guys go through the right one is.

There was a point in my life in middleschool where I geniunely passed flawlessy. I passed so well that even when my super feminine and archaic deadname was hung up on a wall alongside "GENDER: GIRL" in all capital letters, most of my class (about 35-40 people) still argued that I was a guy and treated me as such. For the record, I live in a non-western country, and trans people are pretty much "invisible" rather than even a debate topic, especially trans men. Even though it was one of the worst years of my life in any other aspect, I felt like I was thriving in that one social regard. I was also hit on by straight, transphobic women - which, I am not into women FYI - but was still a huge confidence boost.

Then, when I became a highschooler and kept growing older... The height gap between the guys and the girls got really big. To emphasize - there has been a sudden spike in the height average for cisgender men in my country right in my generation specifically. I was suddenly just never getting gendered right if I was near other guys - and getting mistaken for a child if on my own. I have a pretty flat chest by nature, my voice is more flat and on slightly the deeper end, I have hairy arms, a "very masculine" face shape according to multiple relatives (who I am absolutely not out to), etc. Yet all of a sudden, I am never gendered right near other guys my age? A majority of my dysphoria is absolutely not social but this stung a lot.

Realizing that I was no longer going to get any tall while all of the other men around me were having one final boost was really depressing. I know there are plenty of short cis men, but the fact that I stopped so early on was the damning part to me. Watching all of my peers get "manlier" voices was hallowing. I didn't mind my voice until I spoke to another guy and felt that mine didn't have that same loud quality when I speak (strangely enough it is there when I use my 'stage voice' which was often described as military-like, but never my normal speaking voice, I'm trying to project it to my main voice as well nowadays).

Watching my peers grow beards was discouraging. Watching the guys that engaged the slightest with sports have more visible muscle mass and bulkier chests and arms was a source of insecurity for me (I also do sports professionally).

I know that logically, I am much more luckier than a lot of trans guys out there, having a more "masculine" body type and long bony hands and all, but somehow I still start spiralling into despair whenever I'm made aware of what I'm absolutely missing out on. It's also unclear just how late I will ever get the chance to medically transition in the slightest (I am dependant due to health concerns, over 70% annual inflation makes it hard to save money to go abroad, trans healthcare is practically not an option [the process includes your family being questioned even if you live alone and we have no anti-discrimination laws and a high rate of crime against trans people] etc.) and even if I could access it now, it's never going to make up for the years I spent praying to God I'd have naturally excess T just like my (cisgender) brother did or something, just to in some way experience that "boyish teen years". It's never going to make up for not being able to GROW UP as a boy and it's really beating the shit out of me to even admit this.