TW SA / Am I an abuser or is it only intrusive thoughts ?

Hello there, I have quite a delicate issue I’d like your opinion on

TW - I will mention SA and rape

My ex gf and I (also a woman) were in a relationship from age 15 to 19. I shared to her a weird kink of kink: I was aroused by seeing her asleep. She replied that one of her fantasies was to be woken up to sex so she gave me consent to do it whenever I wanted. I must have done it maybe 5 times at most in our relationship, she never said she wasn't okay with it anymore so I didn't think I did anything wrong at the time, and I even forgot about those times. But a few months after our breakup, one of our mutual friends told me that my ex told her I sexually abused her while we were dating. She said she was now scared of falling asleep next to anyone and apparently she got really emotional telling this. I couldn’t talk to my ex about it cause we’ve been in no contact.

Those accusations have been messing with my brain ever since, it’s been almost 2 years that every 2 weeks or so the intrusive thoughts come back, telling me I’m a rapist and an abuser and I traumatised a girl, although not voluntarily. The guilt is really weighing on me and I don’t know if it’ll ever leave me.

At the same time, I tell myself that she gave me consent, she never said anything about it not being okay anymore, needless to say if she’d told me I would’ve obviously stopped.

I also had some nudes of her in my camera roll which she said to our friend she felt uncomfortable about, but we took them when we were 16, she knew about them and never said anything about not being okay with them. I never did anything with them and deleted them once the relationship was over.

I feel incredibly guilty about all of this, whenever I hear a story about rape or sexual assault my brain immediately tells me I’m no better than the world’s worst rapists, I feel like the guilt will never leave me. I’m also worried that she might someday make this story public and that I could be known as a rapist by the entire world (yes my intrusive thoughts are far fetched). I’m also so sad because I’ll always cherish her and the relationship we had, she was my first love and I hate to see the memories of our entire love story ruined by this stuff.

I don’t know what kind of answer I’m looking for here, I’d just like some opinions : am I actually an abuser and a rapist or is it just morality OCD messing with my brain ? What could I do to ease the guilt ? Should I try to reach out and apologise or simply resolve the issue with myself ?

Thank you, take care guys !