realisation and denial

i think i got assaulted twice but im trying to convince myself it wasnt..

for some reason i downloaded grindr, im aromantic and asexual, i dont do hookups, id only had sex once..

a gay man wanted to hook up with me (im transmasc) I'd agreed to come over, he asked me to wear a skirt, so i did. i gave him a condom, he went flaccid and took it off, i didn't stop him or do anything against it, every time he put it in me, he'd go flaccid again, he asked me to give him a BJ, i was gagging, he forced my head down further seeing i couldnt breathe, i dont know if he came or not, if he did it was probably inside me. he bought me an uber home and i was getting dressed he told me that im not gay and he's not bisexual.. i felt so dirty, he knew i was trans before meeting up, he asked me to wear a skirt, and then got annoyed that i was too feminine.

the next day i hooked up with another guy from grindr, a bdsm dom and twice my age. i met him at his apartment in the city, i hadnt slept since the incident the night before. i had a wonderful time, he did a lot of things to me. choking, spanking, paddling, restraints and being tied up, needle play, breath play, knife play, we shared a few joints, he made me an espresso martini. i felt amazing, my first ever sadomasochism experience. i felt weird, he's twice my age, this behaviour isnt like me, but i loved it. i felt happy. he was so careful, he thought the condom broke and immediately pulled out, he'd notice when i got more quiet and check in on me, he made sure i had a safe word, if i made any minor signal that I was uncomfortable he would stop immediately.

a day later i think i was experiencing a sub drop, i was struggling to remember what we did, i felt like i did something wrong even though im an adult, we both consented, i enjoyed it.. i felt like he hated me or that i was making things up.

so i hooked up with a guy in my area since he was offering me weed and i was trying to process the other event and these feelings about my positive experience.

he gave me a hit from a bong and then started being sexual, as he was using my body he choked me, at one point i looked into his eyes and i thought he would actually let me suffocate, he was wearing condom at least, he gave me more weed, i knocked it over spilling it and he just filled it back up and gave me more. he said outright to my face that he was going go pump me full of weed and send me on my way, he said i was going to become his go-to pussy. i was high enough i could only just walk, and had to walk home alone in the middle of the night.

i know the first and third situations count as assault, maybe even rape. but everything in my brain is trying to convince me they arent. i consented right? i didnt stop them or tell them i was uncomfortable... i could have pushed them off me, i could have said something.. i basically just zoned out and let them do whatever and left.

i feel like it doesnt count because im not reacting like it's traumatic. I'm making jokes about it, im laughing like nothing happened to me. no one in my life would notice unless i actively tell them...

i feel like it doesn't account because the person who hurt me the most, who i still have bruises from, was the only one who didnt assault me. if that wasn't assault, how come the other 2 are?

i want to tell my friends and get support, but i know they'll be more freaked out than i am about it. I've been groped before and i expected the way that I'd react to be so much worse than what it is.

i feel like nothing even happened, and then i randomly get flashbacks. i remember the first guy, not being able to breathe, the way it felt and tasted. i start zoning out with my friends and having to blink until im focusing again.

i remember the third guy, the look in his eyes, how i felt like i might actually die even though i knew i could defend myself, the way he admitted he just wanted to use my body. the fact that he lives near me. i have to walk past his house to catch the train every day.

i became psychotic the night after, i thought i heard him following me home, i looked and no one was there, i saw shadow figures watching me , moving too fast to be a human. i locked my door and went to my room and started thinking i could hear him breaking in. i thought i could hear him strangling my housemate. i knew it was psychosis but it felt so real..

ive managed to avoid going near his house on my own so far, either walking with a housemate, or getting rides from friends. but im terrified it's going to get worse, that he's going to try and talk to me or touch me, that my psychosis will flare up again..

and then i just become normal again. i go out like nothing happened. its all so confusing. i hate how my brain refuses to process trauma.