The Myth of the Milestone

From a young age, we are handed a script: grow up, find someone, get married, have kids and that’s when real happiness begins. It is sold to us as the ultimate milestone, the destination where everything finally falls into place. That path does not work for everyone. And even when it does, it does not guarantee fulfillment.

Marriage and children are not the finish line. They are one possible version of a meaningful life. What matters more than checking those boxes is building a dynamic that fits you and your significant other. So let me break down the path and I would love to hear where you all are finding true bliss.  Not making it work.  Not, this is my new normal.  Not the honeymoon is over.  Where do feel you have the most romantic, loving, exciting relationship dynamic.  Be honest!  I am going to a conference to speak and this is my topic.

The Familiar Track

1. Date
2. Committed relationship
3. Move in together
4. Get married
5. Have kids

It is the blueprint we are shown in movies, taught by family, reinforced in social circles. And sure, for some people, that model works beautifully. We follow the steps without pausing to ask if they match what we want, need, or believe in.

This sequence becomes the “default mode” for relationships, and when your journey does not follow it exactly or you do not feel happy at the expected milestones, you start to question yourself instead of the model.

Here is how I explain it to people: just because you are great at dating someone does not mean you are meant to be in a committed relationship with them. Dating is often light, exciting, and full of possibility. It is where chemistry thrives and everything feels new. But long-term compatibility requires more than a spark.

And just because you are great in a committed relationship with someone does not mean you should move in together. Living with someone brings a whole different layer. You are no longer showing up as a highlight reel. You are showing up as your full, everyday self. The way you handle stress, money, space, habits, it all comes into focus. And those things will pull you away from the excitement you used to have when not living with each other. If you cannot navigate conflict or respect each other’s autonomy, that move-in will expose it fast.

Even if you thrive under the same roof, that does not automatically mean marriage is the right next step. Marriage is a legally and emotionally binding decision that affects your future in profound ways. It changes the stakes and the financial implications of its failure can be life altering.  It tests your ability to evolve together, to grow without growing apart. If that foundation is not rock solid, marriage will not fix it, it will magnify it.  Marriage has a 56% failure rate and we are taught to run to it as the marker for relational success.  There are not too many endeavors out there with a 56% failure rate that we all just dive into with little thought.

And just because you are great at being married does not mean you should have kids. Raising children is one of the most demanding things you can do as a couple. It requires not just love, but patience, sacrifice, shared values, and a deep ability to support one another under pressure. Kids will not save a strained relationship; they will stretch it to its limits.

So where do you land?  Im a pilot in training so I talk in aviation lingo.