the worst pain I have ever felt.

I just recently got diagnosed with calcific tendinitis, and it is the most painful thing I have yet to experience.

I’ve had my fair share of painful experiences as I also have a chronic autoimmune disease, and let me tell you: I would much rather deal with whatever my disease has and can throw at me than deal with this pain for one more day.

It’s excruciating and debilitating. My shoulder has been in pain since March/April, but has gotten significantly worse the past week. I haven’t gotten a good night’s rest in so long because any movement, even subtle shifts in bed, wake me up from the pain. I am in pain all fucking day. And on top of that, it’s my left shoulder and I am left handed, so I haven’t been able to do many of the hobbies I am interested in to try to keep my mind off of it all due to barely even being able to hold anything in my left hand.

The worst part of all of this is how my orthopedics team just keep reiterating over and over that this is going to be a long recovery journey… I can’t even imagine lasting one more week like this, so I don’t know what to do anymore. I am having to unlock a newfound mental fortitude unlike any other.

I hate how I am also subconsciously telling myself I am being too dramatic, and it can’t be this bad. It’s like I have imposter syndrome over my own injury. I feel this is due to many years of being invalidated by medical professionals, but without even trying to find the source of these thoughts, it’s still annoying I am doing this to myself.

I start physical therapy next Wednesday, I just feel super defeated and I want to give up already.