I think about my childhood, I panic, I calm down, I gaslight myself

I cannot tell what is true and what is not, I panic about large lapses in my memory growing up/bad scenarios with my dad to the point of panic attack. In the moment and prior to the attack I feel like something really bad happened, and then I eventually calm down and tell myself I made it up and that nothing was that bad.

I don't know what to trust. What is wrong with me? Can anyone relate?