Blaming myself

I suffered a loss at 26 weeks pregnant in August. I felt less movement, and it turns out she did not have a heartbeat any longer. No reason. Every test we had done prior was completely normal, other than the glucose test. The glucose test came back LOW. Because every single thing was perfectly “normal” doctors called it a fluke. It took us two and a half years to get pregnant… why do I blame myself you may ask?

This is a very vulnerable thing to talk about, but I’ve yet to hear anyone talk about the struggle with bulimia while pregnant. I have had this for over 15 years. Done many different types of therapy, but my anxiety always reverts back to getting sick. Yes, it got better during the pregnancy, but never went away. I always tried to make sure I was successfully feeding myself on top of the binging and purging, but maybe it wasn’t enough? If I didn’t feel I had adequate food intake or purged too much, I made sure to have protein shakes before bed or eat something more. This isn’t something I am able to talk to anyone about because my guilt is so so deep. My midwife made a good point that she used to work in Uganda with women who really cannot eat, but still can carry a baby to term.

I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself.