This is my story and I feel lonely

Today I just want to scream into the void a little. I'm 28 years old man. I have never been in a relationship. Never held someone's hand romantically. Never been kissed. Never had sex. I don’t even know what it feels like to be truly loved by someone outside of family.

I’m not saying this for pity. I consider myself decent looking, people have told me that too but I’m shy. An introvert. I have spent most of my life doing “the right thing” as everyone want like focusing on studies, being the good guy, avoiding unnecessary drama, staying respectful toward women, being careful not to come off as creepy. But here I am, almost 30 and I feel like I have missed out on something really fundamental. And it hurts

I rarely use any social media app sometimes I scroll social media and see people younger than me in love, dating, traveling, sharing moments. Even high school kids talking about heartbreaks and first kisses. And I can’t help but feel this ache in my chest, what about me? When will be my turn?

Sometimes I feel like I have been cheated out of an entire chapter of life. Like I have been waiting at the station for a train that never came.

Because here's the truth, I don’t want to walk into marriage as a stranger to love. I don’t want to be someone whose first real emotional or physical intimacy is with a person I barely know, right after a few formal meetings and a biodata exchange. That feels like skipping the life part and jumping straight to the responsibilities part.

I worry. I worry about what kind of partner I will be. What if I’m too inexperienced? What if she has to deal with my awkwardness, my emotional confusion, my lack of romantic training? I don’t want her to bear me I want her to be with me, fully but I feel I will be too late or too broken by the time it happens.

I want to fall in love. I want to meet my future wife. I want to know what it feels like when someone looks at you like you are the center of their world. I want to go on dates. I want to hold someone's hand and have that electric moment where everything just feels right. I want to be chosen not arranged.

Anyway, that’s my rant. If you have read this far, thank you. I guess I just wish someone out there could truly understand what this feels like and maybe, talk to me.