i regressed

Been a week since i attempted. And i figured since it didnt work i have another chance to recuperate and bounce back, because i always do naman. This isn't my first rodeo naman kasi PLUS i was on the path of getting better, i've lived a healthier life ever since (physically and mentally). i showed up for myself and for other people, i have accomplished feats i thought i couldnt do.

But a week has passed and i feel like i am still drowning; i am anxious all the damn time. i fear nothing has changed. i would wake up crying and i dont know why im even crying. It feels like im trapped. And i wish the attempt worked. i wish for the sinking feeling to be gone, i wish to be at peace.

Sometimes i would get windows of time (like now) when i feel sane, and i get a sliver of hope. Pinanghahawakan ko ung times na un kasi it does get better. I know it for a fact because i did get better, there are ways to get out of this dark space.

Grace is to be given to oneself during times like this but how can u be gracious to someone who has betrayed you. I am angry at myself for even attempting. I am frustrated that i feel this way, i feel like the efforts i spent trying to better myself are gone.

And i wish it would just all go away. I long for that silence. But i also wish to get better. So whether i like it or not i'll stay alive for as long as i can, if not for my sake then for others. It doesnt matter for who or what as long as it helps me push down those thoughts.