Just Listen

Two days ago, I was on my college campus. I only had one class to go to and things were going alright. We'd started on some handwritten assignment, but were allowed to use our laptops for sources. Midway into working on the assignment, I open my laptop. I hear a loud snapping sound and everybody looks at me.

I was confused, so I looked to the side and saw that the left hinge had broken. I was so confused, but the laptop was still working just fine, so I finished the assignment and after I left class, I went to sit down somewhere to take a closer look at it.

Now, let me briefly talk about my mom. I have a very toxic relationship with her and I feel like things really exacerbated when I announced that I know longer held religious beliefs. She began to dehumanize me, call me a "monster" and say a bunch of dogmatic shit about me "being evil" and "being controlled by demons." Yeah, whatever. Nice personal attacks. But just know that along with this and a mix of other things, I genuinely despise her and I have strong apathetic feelings toward her. If it were not for my lack of independence and my reliance on her for living expenses, I would never speak to her.

She'd never see my face. Now mind you, this damage caused to the laptop was a complete accident. I mean that. Like, this is my daily fucking driver. I use it for LITERALLY all of my school work. One of the main reasons I was so stressed about it was BECAUSE I feared it'd inhibit ability to complete my work. It was a genuine accident.

I didn't mean to do anything. Hell, I still really even know what caused it. But yesterday, my mom finds out about it and instead of listening to anything I had to say, she UNREASONABLY dismisses what I had to say, ignores that fact that it still works ultimately, and asks me why? Why this, why this, but never how. So fucking quick to draw a conclusion, but never chooses to consider the events that lead up to it.

That's so unfair. I came to a point where I just stopped trying to explain, because I realized that I wasn't going to get anywhere. Why don't people just LISTEN? Like, for once? Not simply hearing my words, but comprehending them. But it doesn't last to long, because we then evolve into accusations.

"You slammed that laptop and the floor and you have no remorse."

What the hell? First off, no the fuck I didn't. If that were the case, this'd be for than a broken hinge, you dumbass. The screen would've also probably taken damage. Also, just a quick question: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT???? I didn't sign documents agreeing to pay thousands for my education just to screw around and do something like that.

I explained what really happened, but people just don't listen. And now, she wants me to pay 100$ a month to contribute to the costs. She didn't actually BUY the laptop, she got it loaned from Best Buy, so she's paying monthly payments on it. Not really the best idea in my opinion. One other thing I can't stand is how she claims that I lack ambition, when I've been applying everywhere over the past couple months, DESPERATELY trying to find a job.

"Let me take your name and phone number down." "Currently, all positions are filled, but we may have some seasonal positions." "No man, we ain't hiring right now." "I'll have to check with our hiring manager. I've sent them your information, so you may receive a call from them." "Okay, let's see. Oh yeah, I see your application here, but nothing's really open at the moment, but I'll be sure to give you a call if anything does open up."

What the hell am I supposed to do myself? Why the hell are things difficult? Why are people so unreasonable? Why don't people listen when you try to explain things? Why do they try to tear away at your skin by making personal attacks? I fucking hate this. Some days I can press on and some other days, I feel like putting an end to this shit just to escape from it. All in all, I just feel alone.