I just felt like it was pointless to spend time with him after that, even if he reached out to me once, I don't think he would've ever undertstood anything and would treat it as a weird kink or trend I was exposed to on the internet. 

Istg, if I put aside the deaths of my relatives, nothing compared to the heartbreak of losing and grieving the loss of this friend from my life. 

He will never know any of this shit and would probably feel repulsed by it and I am still crying when I think about him from time to time, like and idiot. 

He was a bit snarky and quite a phony cunt, but still had a heart of gold, sometimes I question if that friendship was genuine even if he called me a friend, I wonder if he just pitied me and tried to treat me with courtesy and kindness.

I'd just wish that god, the universe or whatever would wipe him from my memory altogether.

I don't think we'd be able to reconnect or see eye to eye, at least from my side because doesn't know about any of this, I don't think we'd be friends again, forgetting him entirely would hurt less, even if I just think about him from time to time and.. 

...wish I could tell him about the games I tried and how I finally own some Pokemon games, cause he liked the franchise as well, or play Genshin, Dota or League together and be terrible at it because god knows when it was the last time I owned a computer or touched a keyboard, how I feel a bit less depressed and determinated despite all the shit I went through, trying to take my life into my own hands and have the courage to move away from the toxic environment I am in, because I just feel like I cannot function properly here, I way too stressed and miserable and my family knows close to nothing about all of this. 

Maybe this hurt me a little bit more than the other things I mentioned because I actually lost something positive, instead of experiencing additional pain from a different source. 

Why I am I like this?
Why couldn't I be born in a more progressive country and live my youth to the fullest without having to feel as if I have to walk on eggshells around people. 
Why I do I even care about someone like him in the first place? 

I am SO TIRED! 

I am just going to leave this here because I felt the need to vent and silently scream into a void