I don’t know if I was a victim or a perpetrator (tw)

This happened around two months ago and I don’t know how to feel about it. I might not do a good job of describing it.

I (20M) met a girl (19F) off tinder at the end of the spring semester this past year. We went on a date together, and she came back to my room and we smoked and watched a movie together. We hit it off and afterwards we were talking everyday over the summer until the start of the fall semester. Once the fall started things started picking up. We were texting much more frequently, talking on the phone every night, making plans to see each other. The first Friday of the semester, she came over to my house. It was pretty late and initially I had assumed I would get laid that night, however she started talking about how stressful her week was, saying she wanted to cry, saying she was afraid to go to her sorority’s next party (it was with a frat that had a reputation for being rapey). So I decided that the right move would be to just hold her, make sure she’s ok, let her know I’m here for her, try to make her feel better. After a couple hours of us cuddling I walked her back to her car and she dropped me back off at my house and I texted her once she got home. All went well.

The next time I saw her was two days later. This day we went grocery shopping, and meal prepped together for the week. I went back home, then later on she invited me to a game night with her, her roommate, and her roommates friends. After everyone left, we stayed downstairs cuddled up. I went up to her room, then came back downstairs to get drinks. We made out on her couch, went back to her room, made out some more on her bed. Then she told me that I could “do whatever I want” to her. I took her clothes off, started reaching for her vagina, but then she quickly said she was on her period, so I got away from there and just started playing with her tits and ass for a bit. After I while I kinda just stopped, which is where things get weird. She repeats that I can do whatever I want to her, starts seemingly getting mad at me, saying I “always make her make the first move,” saying she wanted me to try something the previous night she was at my house, accused me of thinking she was ugly, started saying how embarrassing it was that I wouldn’t make a move. This all started to make me feel pretty uncomfortable and I tried to explain to her why i was a little hesitant. I tried to explain that i was inexperienced to which she just replied “I could tell because you won’t make a move”. I told her that I was nervous/a little scared to which she replied “I don’t know what you’re so scared of.” Then I straight up told her that I was worried about accidentally doing something she doesn’t want me to, to which she said something like “I’m literally telling you to do whatever you want you really think I’m gonna say no”. It definitely felt like she was being coercive, but I really liked her and didn’t wanna let her down. After all of this I felt sort of pressured to act and assumed I literally had the green light to do “whatever I wanted,” so I started reaching for her vagina again, to which she asked if she wanted me to take off her panties and I said yes. I lightly fingered her for a little bit then stopped and laid there for a bit. Her tone did not change after this, continuing to get pushy for me to do more and continuing to be flirty. She repeatedly told me I could do whatever I wanted and I asked if I could finger her, to which she replied “I’m on my period, but if that’s what you wanna do it’s ok” and so I fingered her again for a little bit. After that I went back to massaging/sucking her boobs and gave her a hickey. After the whole time she continued to complain that I didn’t do enough, although at one point she said “I wish I wasn’t on my period”. She put her clothes back on and after a while we were still hanging out, being flirty/playful with each other and she in no way seemed uncomfortable. It seemed like we were both having a good time so I said fuck it and asked her to be my girlfriend. At first it seemed like she was giving a yes, but then started backtracking, initially citing that I wouldn’t make a move as her reason. Then she later said that she had hooked up with another dude the night before and said she didn’t wanna put labels on it yet. She seemed very upset and even though I was definitely pissed off (I felt pretty betrayed given that we been talking everyday for the past 4 months and it seemed like it was starting to get serious) I just comforted her and told her I wasn’t mad. I left the next morning, later that day she snapped me once but after that I cut off all contact as I just could not shake the feeling of betrayal and thought I wouldn’t be able to make it work. A couple weeks later I sent a text (which I now regret) explaining how much the situation affected me, to which she replied saying she just thinks she’s not my person but still wants what’s best for me. This is the last time I spoke to her, which was over a month ago now.

For the first month and a half I couldn’t get over how much I missed her, how betrayed I felt, how disappointed that I was so close to finally making it work with a girl just for her to hook up with someone else the first weekend she was back.

Recently I started to question if the hookup story even happened. I began to remember how she first told me she was on her period and I still fingered her that night, and it processed for me that I may have raped this girl even though I thought everything was consensual, and she just told me that so I’d go away. However I also remember how she was being coercive that night despite my attempts to explain that I wasn’t comfortable.

Sometimes I will feel a huge deal of remorse as I realize I may have inflicted horrific lifelong trauma on someone I really cared about. Other times I start to fixate on how coercive she was being and almost start dissociating (? not sure if I’m using that word right but I’ll almost feel disconnected from the outside world briefly).

I don’t know the best course of action here and Reddit might not be the best place to turn to for advice and I might get shit on non stop in the comments (which there’s a big chance that I 100% deserve). I just want help to find an answer towards whether I was a victim, perpetrator, or somehow both.

[conflicted]