Tw: sh and ed trauma dump/rant

I just really need go say this somewhere it can feel heard.

I’m struggling again.

I know healing isn’t linear or whatever but I hate that it always comes back to the same things. It’s been 3 years since I last engaged in sh. The last time I did it genuinely scared me. (tw) I used to cut and had just been “broken up with” by my situationship/ the first person I ever felt real love for and from. I felt helpless, nothing was in my control and I just desperately needed to feel anything other than what I was feeling. (Big tw) Well that time I went much deeper than usual after an hour it slowed down but didn’t stop completely I didn’t really know what to do I most definitely needed stitches but I couldn’t admit myself or tell anyone for them to I had a cat that needed daily medicine and a dog to take care of. So I drove to my mom’s with washcloths duct taped to my leg. When I got to my mom’s house. We talked about the weather. It felt so stupid I just wanted to scream that there were more important things.

And whatever that feeling is I’ve been craving so often. It’s not like life has been going perfect or even good but better than it was then so I don’t understand why I want to so badly.

Also around 3 years ago I deeply struggled with an ed I’ve mostly been large my whole life and in less than a year I was down almost 100lbs . When I look back at photos it’s insane how visible it was and yet no one was concerned they all praised and congratulated me and I resent that but yet again I’m falling into those habits. I’m over the moon when the scale gets lower but when it goes up I just crash for a few days it again feels helpless. I have so much I need to do in life right now mixed with all the time in the world and a lot of resources But I still sit here feeling stuck. I’m tired of it always coming back I can’t do this for the rest of my life