i traveled to mountains, now i hate my life i’ve created

I (21f) am an international student coming from a third world country, living in Europe. it’s been two years since I have moved for my studies. At first i was sponsored by my parents, my first year was pretty chill, i enjoyed it a lot and even didnt experience homesickness. second year of me being abroad got much harder. my parents were trapped in a situation where i had to help them out financially, i had to find myself a job and i got completely independent at this point. it was hard, i had homesickness, cried a lot, counted days till i was back home, but at some point it was too hard, i decided to call a therapist. somehow one call changed everything in how i viewed my situation and i started feeling joy for the first time in almost year. i was supposed to fly home to make some additional documents for my education, but i didnt want it at all, since i finally was feeling well and got comfortable.

now im back in my country. its been 20 days, im very happy to see my family, but at first all i could think of was being back in my independent comfort life with my studies and work. however, we have very beautiful nature, and i wanted to see it at least once before flying back to Europe, mostly as a support for our locals, because tourism isn’t a thing here and economy is pretty bad here. so i went to two tours to the mountains, canyons and waterfalls. first was okay, i enjoyed it, but after the second one, which was 3 days (1day bus trip to the camp, day2 hiking, landscapes and etc, day3 trip back to town) i couldn’t help but feel terrible about all my life decisions.

i dont think i have ever felt happier than when i was there in the camp, with other tourists. i never in my life have laughed and smiled that much. i literally had to make myself relax my face muscles because i was smiling non stop the whole trip. i met some wonderful foreigners and locals that were so fun to talk to, i haven’t enjoyed someones company that much since like forever.

the whole trip all i could think of was “im so happy, this is my happiest state ever. please try to remember this moment forever, this is the best moment ever”. i tried to realize how lucky i am to experience such moments and nature and landscapes with my own eyes. i genuinely was the happiest person alive.

its been almost a week since i came back and i cant stop crying. i remember thinking “I love my life so much” now all i can think of it is how i hate it.

i realized how blind i was to think that all i need is financial success, reaching my career goals, making a lit of money, make my parents proud of me of reaching new continents and stabilizing myself in developed countries. i hate it all. i dont think i ever really wanted it all. all i want now is to be completely free, live a life without any stress, breathe fresh air everyday, eat healthy natural food, see horses, sheeps, yaks everytime i go out, be able to sleep and wake up without my phone, dont think of money, work, forced duties. i hate that i have created myself an illusion of my goals and dreams, when all this was just to be satisfied, reach goals and make myself think i am someone worth respect and loyalty. i now know i dont want to be someone, i want to be no one, just myself. i know that i can live a life without stress and respect myself and provide good life quality even without 9-5 work and full time stress.

i know that humans were not supposed to live a life that we are living now and i think this is the first time ever when i actually experienced this realization. i wish everyone had this awakening, because i feel so sorry for the whole humanity for living in this system of constant pain, stress and suffering. we were not designed by nature to live like this and i genuinely hate that we got used to it so bad, that being back in nature feels scary and unnatural.

i have talked about these feelings with some of my friends and family i dont think they realize how we live in a trap of civilization, that gives us the illusion of easy life while all we do is try to survive every day.

i am so lost in myself right now, because i have done so many things, spent so many hours, money and energy to be where i am right now but bow i dont want this life. i dont care about buying a house, building a career, earning money. all i want now is to be happy, and the only place where i was genuinely happy is nature without this disgusting system.