Finally ended Therapy today!

So I finally broke off with my Therapist. It was not normal relationship. My past posts have lot of details.

In short, she was disclosing her life to me with great details and being vulnerable along with me on our relatability. Micro-flirtations were common habit on her part. I got carried away for few months, but eventually realised what was wrong.

Breakup wasn’t easy. I saw her after break of several weeks. That session, she was extremely flirty. As if she missed me. She’d say - “If you and me sit down for a glass of wine, bottles would be empty in no time”. I hinted her that I need to end therapy space with her. She kept avoiding the topic, telling me don’t take pressure and show up after a week or two. That I need to continue therapy. She even suggested that we could remain in contact outside therapy. Spoke on it for some time. I said “adults don’t make friends”. She resisted. When I didn’t budge, she was hurt. And she kept blabbering random things. I told her that you’re being random and maybe talking to yourself. It was very charged atmosphere. I parted with her saying “see you”. And I also responded positively.

It didn’t sit right with me. So I booked another session. This time she was well put together. She was still nervous and asked me why did you show up after saying no to another session. I told her that I felt last session was charged and abrupt so I wanted to confront some things with all honesty and we need to have direct conversation. I told her if she wants to be friends, I can look forward to that in a healthy ‘just friends’ situation after cool-off. I was being polite, even though I must admit I am emotionally and overall attracted to her. It was intense therapy we did and I was vulnerable so growing attachment was natural.

She seemed scared of meeting otherwise outside therapy (which was good indication). She also mentioned that she took therapy herself between last session and now, so she has lot of clarity. I said that’s good and I’m happy for her. Maybe her therapist brought some sense into her. She was avoidant for any conversation that time. I made clear that her emotional weather affects me so I cannot continue this therapy, and this space has become personal. She was showing lot of bravery but not in state to let me go clearly. She mentioned that life can make us meet again in future and maybe I should email her whenever I want. I asked email about what? And no, this is my last session in this therapist-client situation. I got up and left. Awkward ‘take care’ followed.

I left with heavy heart and it kept eating me on way out. Couple hours later I processed all my thoughts. And then I wrote her an email, detailing why I left therapy, thanking her for whatever work she did with me. And ending therapy was essential to keep myself safe. I wished her and her daughter a good life (she’s recently divorced single mother). And ended my email. I couldn’t say a lot of things I had planned to say in therapy session, so emailing felt like good option for my closure.

Gotta say it felt good. Light. I still have some lingering ache to see her in some other role in my life. Be friends with her and take care of her. But I’m sure it will pass in few days. I did the right thing. Even though I have hired another Counsellor now to help me cope, it isn’t same vulnerable space that I shared with my therapist. I miss it. I don’t have anybody to feel attached and share my troubling issues. My marriage is crumbling. My wife doesn’t respond, couple therapy has no progress whatsoever. My parents are old, having medical issues. But I think it will get better. I am hopeful. I will survive. Letting go of that therapist was mature thing. I needed her, I miss her. But sometimes you gotta take hard decisions.

Thank you for reading. Happy to answer any questions, and welcome all comments 🙏