Sexuality is a cult.

Sexuality is a cult.

I don't trust people because most people only talk to others for sexual interests. Most people (in my life at the current time, although I'm trying to separate into a more healthy situation for me) talk to me to encourage me to be more sexually attractive or aggressive, they see me as disappointing if I'm not dominant or if I don't invite sex and intimacy into my life, a waste for not being interested, annoying for not caring. They don't talk to share interests, they talk because they want me to fuck and think something's wrong with me that I don't, so they concoct excuse after excuse to explain to themselves why the problem is me for not caring and not them for continually alienating the person who doesn't want to be involved in the cult...

They manipulate and toy with people to get them pissed off enough, and then act like they're sexually frustrated and need to get laid to calm down. They levy accusations and treat me like a leper for pushing away people who are sexually interested in me, as if I'm the disgusting one for not caring.

I don't care. I keep trying, but it's just repulsive to me. It's disgusting, dirty, and a waste of time, and it's disgusting that it's so compulsory and expected in normal "adult" relationships. Even most asexual people I've met are of the mindset that they'd be "totally willing to try" if I wanted it, and I don't, and I'm not sure why that never gets listened to or respected. Often, I'm punished for not being interested, as though I'm being an asshole or an insensitive prick, but why would I be sensitive toward something I have no interest in?

Why does "no" only matter until you're the one they want to fuck them, except it's everyone else who wants you to and you're the only one who's saying no and refusing to do it? Don't I get to have a say in what happens to my body? Why shouldn't I be able to say I don't want them and not leave them convinced I'm just "immature, but I'll get there" for them to give me those eyes that I'm being childish when I just can't bring myself to care, or act like I care, about something I've never wanted? They pretend to love, if I'm being cooperative and pretend I love them too, but it's conditional, and pulled away when they realize I'm faking it, which means they were too just to get sex from me, and I think nothing could be more despicable than someone who only loves you until you no longer want to fuck them, and then judges, criticizes, insults, and abandons you when you reveal that was never what you were after at all.

In the end, it's just a way to convince someone to obsess over someone else, endlessly, eternally, until there's nothing left of their personality but their crude thoughts about mashing things together. There's no humanity, there's just random, unstable emotion and the idea that "human connection" means you fuck, and fuck, and fuck, and nothing else, and if you dare do anything else, you're an asshole and deserve to be alone. Someone can get pulled into the sexual fuckbrain mindset the same way they get pulled into alt-right pipelines, the same way they get grifted by salesmen who wear them down and then say only their product can build them back up, so buy now, only 5 easy payments of $49.95 and your eternal soul, fucked out between the two of you over the course of a shiny new honeymoon weekend, your whole family fawning that you finally realized how "awesome" being such a crass little sweaty animal can be while the two of you do it and hope for the best.

And when it's not that, it's in an alleyway, or on a boat, or in a kitchen, or on a table, anywhere, everywhere, like you're cockroaches and it's mating season everyday.

If you try to leave, you're branded a pedophile and have drinks thrown in your face, denied friendships, banned from places you thought you'd fit in but should never have been in the first place since they're meant for people who want to fuck and you couldn't possibly care about such a thing. My gender is seen as the aggressor for it, and I'm expected to be the aggressor and called an incel, or lazy, or pathetic, when I don't match up to it; even in posts on this subreddit, you can see how these sex-focused values are called "patriarchy" and damages people of every gender and the way they feel about other types of humanity.

I'm more gender-neutral and believe sexuality itself is the problem, rather than any sort of gender-specific issue, but unfortunately, I'm beset by a form which is seen by others as having "a desirable gender", which means I should still recognize that, for other people, things like gender and patriarchy exist and affect their views on sexuality and that I'm in some small way expected to fit into those things, but in that way, the cult mindset only deepens: to force others to fit into categories based on body parts and genetic fluctuations they were or weren't born with, rather than valuing the humanness of all people regardless of what they were born with, because, in the end, it's sexuality that drives our bodies to connect, and fuck out new babies, and choose which people with which genetic fluctuations our bodies want to mix our own fluctuations with, and in the end, it's sexuality that becomes a cult, and if you leave, those who get stuck in it pull you back with glue-stick hands and mind-control words until the poison rots away everything that made you anything you genuinely enjoyed being, and everyone else who got stuck in that cult the same way too.