It’s my own fault I’m lonely

I can’t help that I’m neurodivergent and don’t understand social cues easily, I can’t help that social interaction leaves me burnt out and drained everytime. I can’t help that I don’t trust anyone has good intentions towards me, ever. I can’t help that I’ve been hurt so many times that it became easier to be alone. I have like 3 friends, 1 lives very far and I don’t see them often and we text sometimes, the other 2 live close but I don’t really see them often, we text but I don’t really open up about anything actually bothering me idk. I’m so fucking guarded and avoidant, I don’t have social media bc I don’t wanna be seen or perceived. I have incredibly low self esteem and worth. I’m really fucking trying! I’m in therapy, I have a job, I’m even in school part time, I live alone. I’m lonely but at the same time am terrified of human connection, so I avoid it. The paradox of that is so incredibly haunting and depressing. I want to connect! I want to go out! I sit home every weekend. I used to go out alone often but lately I don’t even have the energy for that, bc I’ve become hyper aware of how I look etc I’ve gotten completely ready numerous times and then just, got unready and didn’t go. sometimes I’m depressed, sometimes I’m content in my world of solitude. It’s exactly that, the contradiction, that hurts. I also long for a romantic partner, but struggle with feelings that I’m not worthy of one, so I just don’t try. I want to connect, but leave me alone, at the same time….