Apparently my psychiatrist met a part, plus a bit of a rant

I see my psychiatrist entirely virtually, and have since I began seeing her a year ago. Last week, I met with her, and found out that apparently I have seen her in person one time, and was acting much younger/different.

She didn't a) didn't realize I didn't remember this meeting

And b) assumed it was regression until speaking with my therapist and corroborating what was going on

This means two things, both of which absolutely horrify me. Firstly, which I already knew, but this hammers home in a very concrete and awful way, there are parts of my life that I have no idea about. Secondly, this part is convincing enough to pass as a regressed version of me, but not convincing enough to be a "normal" me. Which is simultaneously embarrassing (not normal enough to be normal) and relieving (not obviously "not me"/a different part).

I just received my third diagnosis of DID yesterday. I was bracing for it for several weeks, because I was really, really hoping it would be different this time as this therapist is affiliated with a hospital that does a lot of research on dissociative disorders and trauma in general- if anywhere was going to figure out what was actually going on, it was this place. But no, still DID.

I don't really know how to feel, between these two events. It's just really hammered home that my life is kind of completely out of my control and feels like an embarrassing nightmare right now. I went to a Halloween event last night and barely even remember it. I hate living what's essentially a fragment of a life.

Extended, multi-faceted rant over, I guess. I appreciate this community a lot, and thanks for reading if anyone did, lol.