I feel broken because of my best friend

I need help and some understanding from my perspective. I have a best friend whom I’ve been friends with for 10 years. I’ve had ptsd for 6-7 years now and for the past 2-3 years it’s become worse and I’m at a new low than I’ve ever been before. I’m going to go through therapy again because it’s so bad ( I was hallucinating and hearing voices in a psychotic manner and was given anti psychotic medication from emergency services) I’ve not been able to work for about a month but I’m going back to work on Monday. I’ve a new boyfriend whom I meet this summer he lives far away and we see each other like 1 a month maybe more when we can. He’s really sweet and we’ve already had a fight where we opened up,solved it and agreed on how to communicate to make sure it doesn’t happen again. My family really like him and I do to I just know he’s the one. I’ve been down a lot with feelings of ending it all. I usually isolate and don’t want to meet/hang out with my best friend so much but because I want to be there for her I make sure to still see her more than I see my boyfriend.

Recently my boyfriend traveled to see me for 4 days. She asked if we could hang out and I communicated that I didn’t really feel like it at the time and wanted to spend the time I had with my boyfriend while he was here but if she really needed to talk/needs me of course.

She said she really needed me like something big had happened but when she came ( my boyfriend left us to let us talk alone) she just spoke about her work etc nothing was wrong or had happened. Then now about 5 days later she texts me and says in an accusatory tone “what has your boy been telling you because you don’t want to hang out with me”. I was so confused and of course apologized but I was stunned like what because I’ve been seeing her like usual and she knows I’m not feeling well.

She wanted me to talk to someone who chose someone else over me and came back to me when they broke up. I didn’t want to because I didn’t feel the same for him anymore and she tried to talk me into texting him and seeing him (he ghosted me and broke my heart and she knows it all). I ended up blocking him because he made my insides turn in discomfort. She got mad and basically accused my boyfriend of being controlling which I explained to her that that wasn’t the case.

I’ve for like the past year not been feeling her and I’ve not felt like hanging out with her is the same. It makes me feel like I’m just there for her and I don’t feel like talking about my ptsd problems with her because I feel like she doesn’t really listen and just say I should reach out for help professionally which I have done.

She’s a nurse btw and knows what ptsd is. But somehow it’s always her and her problems and I’m just not feeling like it’s the same and when she texted me that I explained I hadn’t been feeling well lately and that’s why I didn’t want to hang out with her (like 1 a week) instead hanging out 1 every 2 weeks or trying to for her sake even if I felt terrible.

But somehow it’s like she broke something inside me by saying or confronting me like she did. We did talk about it but it’s not the same and honestly I feel like I don’t want to be friends with her anymore. I’ve felt like that for the past year. However she always makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong. I just want to know if I’m the bad guy or she is acting strange and it’s really getting to me.

I’m just so broken right now because a lot of the times she asked to hang out my boyfriend said to say yes because it’s good for me but I don’t feel like it. Then she throws this at me. I feel like she doesn’t want me to do well and now I’m just analyzing everything. Connecting the pattern and her behavior over the time we’ve been friends. It makes me feel like she just uses me and doesn’t want me to do well. I would reach out to her for help with a conflict in past relationships and she would tell me to end it with them because of this or that yada yada. So when se said the same about the conflict I had with my boyfriend and we solved it she was mad at me and I just can’t shake it anymore.

I just need help to figure out if what I’m feeling is wrong? Am I in the wrong? Am I a terrible friend? I just feel so broken and she said to keep the accusation about my boy from him and that doesn’t sit right with me either because she knows I don’t talk to anyone about my feelings and only do to her or him. We’ve been friends for so long but I’m just not feeling her anymore she feels rude and it feels like she’s been trying to ruin everything for me all along but I don’t know if it’s just my ptsd going haywire?

I just need some help in understanding why she’s acting like this and I honestly don’t want to be friends with her anymore but I feel like it’s all going to be my fault….again