Deciding on what is important to you when you haven’t had a chance to do it before.

I’m a 32 year old woman, who recently realized I’m an INTJ, after briefly studying the functions. My upbringing was controlling to a degree that I still find insane, closely resembling a cult but within family dynamics. My mother was threatened by my questions, independence, need for fairness and putting her on the spot for her irrational and irresponsible behavior throughout my life, particularly when I was a child. She’d used this quote in my language which translates to- “Catch a child’s insolence and disobedience by breaking their will systematically before they’re 5, so they won’t waver from instruction even when they’re 50”. So what made me, me, by my functions was always under attack physically and psychologically, repeatedly for many years, so much so I presented as a conformist, selectively pleasing and extroverted little girl. Every decision was made for me and I was treated like I was stupid. The fear of getting hit again made me shut down, and play innocent to get by, a behavior which made its way into school and work. Seeing how I was dysfunctional and ineffective at progressing in my career as fast as peers (I actually did but couldn’t see it then), made me think that I was possibly dumb and have been fooling myself. Being dumb and potentially dependent on another were my biggest fears so I did everything I could to keep my mind sharp.

Anyway, this is the context I wanted to share to pose my question to people who’ve grown in relatively healthy families, how do you usually decide what new project or idea you want to take on- is it a feeling? I suspect its purpose combined with interest but I want to understand from an internal lived experience standpoint, how you make a decision and stick to it.

I see purpose in every possible or idea, can’t seem to zone in on one as everything feels equally important- this is the first time in years, I’d be doing something for myself, from my interest, having cut them off and erased a significant portion of my then dysfunctional life for peace, and I’m extremely satisfied with the result but I’m having to make up for the lost time, accompanied by grief but I’m here now. Also, seeking help feels weird but I take pride in that you share my functions and there is no better place to ask than here, no matter how awkward it feels. Thanks in advance.